Miss You Already - SwanQueen

Part 11

~Emma POV~

It's been a few days since my double mastectomy and I ache like a bitch. Let's just say I am broken, my heart is in two, my family is falling apart, my relationship is downhill despite the fact Killian does not know that I know he's cheating. How can I blame him though? Look at me. I'm broken.

I had insecurities sure, but I was confident with Killian. What's left for us now then because I'm certain he will never blink this way again now that my boobs are gone. I'm just not the same anymore.

Regina sits me down on the bathroom stool, and then in comes Killian, acting kind and acting like the husband I need at this moment of time.

"How's the patient" he grins, walking into the bathroom.

"These drugs are so good" I cheer, because slowly I feel the pain flowing away for a short moment of time because we all know pain like this will forever be here, emotionally, physically and mentally. This will never go away. Regina takes that as her queue to leave me in 'safe hands' with Killian and head home now that it's late. She's been an angel these past few weeks. "Would you mind holding my new handbag" I grin holding up the attached tubes and handles I have to carry around that controls how much blood and fluid I am losing. Maybe this is somewhat a test to see if he flickers an eye or freaks out but he is surprisingly calm.

"Oh stop it" he teases, taking my toothbrush out the cabinet and filling the length of the brush with Colgate toothpaste. "Now Open wide" he giggles, obviously I follow his request with an eye roll while he still seems to find this funny. "I've always wanted to say that to you"

He continues to brush my teeth for me, because right now I need help with everything, it's dangerous and incredibly painful for me to lift my arms barely above a ten degree angle. That will come with time and exercise when I am well and healed. Time and patience.

"I think you've got too many teeth" he jokes. "How many do you have?"

"I don't know" I mumble around the toothbrush.
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~Regina Pov~

"Regina you need to tell her" Robin taunts in such a firm tone yet frustrated that it's taken this long. I'm shocked she hasn't noticed already, I'm 6 months pregnant, I must hide it well with my constant baggy jumpers and scarfs and coats. Maybe she just thinks Ive gained a little more weight. Still though, it's not fair and she has the right to know.

"I know I'm sorry" I stretch out in one long moan. "It's just I don't wanna rub it in that my life is great right now" I huff dreading the thought of telling her the great news while she is dealing with her not so great news.

"She'll resent you more if you don't tell her" Robin confirms and I know he is right, I have no words in response because he is absolutely right. She will hate me, but what more can I do. "I'm telling Killian" and then my face falls. He can't, I know they've gotten closer since we got together but Killian is Emma's husband, he's bound to tell her. My face must say it all, because soon enough he is fumbling for an explanation to protest his answer against mine. "What reg, it's my news too!"

"I know, I know but please let me just tell her in my own time"  I compromise with my usual eye flutter that typically seems to work.

"Fine, I won't" he huffs in agreement. "And I'm not gonna enjoy this bottle of beer either." He lies through his teeth, which also annoys me more because I'm sat here sipping water rather than a nice bubbly beer or juicy wine. Pregnancy sucks.

"I wish it was a bottle of glue and it would keep your lips shut." I sass back.

"Oh, that was horrible." He gasps.

"I hate you right now." I sulk, crossing my arms with all anger and grumps. Who knew a middle aged woman could be so hormonal and grumpy towards their husband just for that fact he is rubbing his alcohol in my face.

"Yeah, I know you do" he grins, jokingly.

"I'm raging with hormones. I wanna rip your face off." I argue, but he seems to find it somewhat amusing actually, like he is enjoying this little show.

"Why don't you kiss my face off?"  He grins, and how can I not, I lean across the table, giving a single yet longing peck to his perfect lips.

"Right, we gotta go. Come on"  I stand from the table taking his beer out of his clutch and onto the waitresses tray as she walks by.

"Oh, wow."
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~Emma PoV~

Another week has passed and I'm somewhat getting better. My arms are raising a little higher, bruising is slightly going down along with swelling and I can finally stop carrying my filter bag around. Just the occasional Breast pump here and then.

"Got everything?"Killian asks as he steps into bed and pulls the sheet up, finally checking if I have everything I need before we can both relax.

"Breast pump." I check the bedside desk beside me making sure all is here.

"Yes please" he hums.

"It doesn't make them bigger." I tut at his stupidity.

"Oh." He sighs as though he is confused. I slowly attempt to lift my top very slowly over my head at a snail like pace but my pain flings back as my arms reach a certain height. "Here, do you want a hand?" He offers, taking my top of for me, slowly pressing single kisses along my collar bone and snaking his fingers down my body and closer to my scars, but I panic. What if I'm never good enough?

"Get your shirt off." I command, distracting him quickly and forcing him to lift his top off in one swift motion. But he is soon to come back and snake his hands over my... nothing what was something great.

"That looks good."  He stutters as his eyes land upon my scars and my healing process. And let's face it, it doesn't look good, it looks horrific. I could cry every time I look in the mirror but it's something I have to deal with and so should he.

"Do you wanna say something?" I ask timidly expecting something horrible to shatter my heart into thousands of pieces.

However in this moment of time, I wish he had said something horrible, because his staring and stuttering says enough.

"W..Well..."

I huff in annoyance. I little reassurance would have been amazing at a time like this. Something like "babe you're beautiful no matter what" or "there's nothing wrong" but clearly in his eyes there is something wrong. He can barely look at me now. And there's the deal breaker. I fumble for my blanket and wrap it around my body, hiding my exposed scars and look down away from his painful eyes.

"No, it's not that." He stutters trying to sound convincing but we all know that it is clearly 'that'. "It's nothing..." he points to my chest, as though the words cannot form in his mouth. "It's nothing to do with..." my eyes only widen more at his bravery right now. I could punch him in the face for being so damn rude. "Oh, idiot, idiot, idiot."he took a pillow and blanket and head to the sofa.

This is how our relationship is going. Downhill but he makes it out to be my fault, I didn't ask for breast cancer and I didn't ask for him to cheat on me. Yet here I am getting all the knives stabbed so deeply into my back.

The only people I truly have are my two babies, and Regina.