Are You Crying, Too?

Remembrance

*Bang*

I forcefully opened the door to my shitty, worn-down house. I glanced around at the contents of the house. There was nothing. Nothing but dust and clothes lay strewn throughout the fucking place. I hadn't bothered to clean up this hell-hole since-

*Slam*

I slammed my fist into the barren wall beside me.
Stop thinking about it! I screamed internally. Just... Stop...
My thoughts did nothing to control themselves. They ran laps through my mind, each time bringing a different memory of him, a different smile. A different 'are you okay?' every time from that same damn voice.

Just shut up! Just shut the hell up! I turned around and slammed the door shut, combing my spiky hair back in frustration with my hand.
"Tch." I spat at the ground as I walked through the dark hallway without bothering to turn on the lights. I walked pass the living room, ignoring the bills that were almost due. They were the least of my worries.

And finally I walked through the open door of my room and stat on the bed. My hands seemed to automatically reach for my head to pull at the roots of my blond hair. It surprised me that I still had hair left. My eyelids covered my blood-red eyes in an attempt to conceal the tears that were escaping from my tear ducts, one by one.

"Deku..." I whispered, " I'm sorry. I'm sorry... Deku... Deku, Deku, Deku... " My tears fell even faster then before.

"Get out of my fucking head! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, do you hear me! I'm sorry that I wasn't nice to you! I'm sorry... I'm sorry... Deku..."

My hands moved to eyes to cover them. The mumbles went on and on until I passed out in my sitting position on my bed, back hunched, and tears still rolling down my face.

}×××××××××××××××××{
"Kacchan," Deku smiled at me.

"What is it, freak? " I questioned. I was staring at the desk in front of me, board. When was Aizawa gonna show up?

"Why did you hurt me? You loved me, didn't you?" I straightened my back and removed my feet from the desk I had put them on when I first got here.

"What the hell do you mean, Deku? " I glanced over at him, but I stared longer then I intended to. He was smiling, but all of his teeth were gone. All of his nails were ripped off of him, and his eyes were wide open, seemingly staring at nothing, yet at everything at the same time.

"Deku?"

"Why didn't you tell me you loved me? Kacchan? "

I couldn't peel my eyes off of him. Utter terror filled my body. My brain told my body to run, but I couldn't move. I felt like I was glued to the seat I was sitting in. Glued to the sight that befell me. The sight of Deku. The sight of the one I loved in complete shreds.

"You can't apologize to me if I'm dead, Kacchan," the echo of that name would come to haunt me until I myself die. It would echo in my soul, repeating, Kacchan, Kacchan, Kacchan, in his voice for all of eternity.

"I'll make sure you never forget me, Kacchan."

}×××××××××××××××××××{

I woke up panting. The nightmares were getting worse.

'It isn't real, it isn't real,' I repeated in my head, 'it isn't fucking real.'

I uncurled my body from its fetal position. Pain blossomed in my head. I groaned. It was another day. Another day to be awake. Another day to work as the number one hero. Another day without Deku. I almost uttered his name aloud. Deku... Deku... Deku... It was just so easy to say. But the pain it brought... hurt more then I could ever describe.

I got ready for another day of work. All there was to do at work was patrol. Not many villains have popped up since the league of villains was destroyed. Because of that, I hadn't had any action during my patrol. Just fans that came asking for my autograph or news people asking for an interview. I had nothing to distract me from thinking. Not even half-and-half could distract me from my own thoughts.

I doubt that my guilt for never telling Deku how I felt would ever leave me alone.
Deku belonged in my place. He used to be the number one hero. I was always behind him. And half-and-half was always behind me. I wouldn't mind if Deku was number 1 again. If it allowed him keep living, I would quit being a hero. But there is no way that could happen. He is gone. My Deku... Is gone. My Deku. I don't deserve to call him that.

If only I could watch him run towards the finish line, only a green spec in my eyes. But 'if only's' weren't answers. 'If only's' were only 'if only's.' They would never become something else.
I could only wish for what I knew was impossible. And the impossible will never happen.
I finished getting ready for the day, and I headed off to work, skipping breakfast, with only one thing in mind.

'Deku.'