Are You Crying, Too?

Suicide

Me and Phthonus arrived at Kirishima's mansion shortly after our meeting with Uraraka.  Phthonus lead me to our room and then left me so that he could talk with Kirishima.  I changed into the clothes that Phthonus bought me and sat on the bed.  It didn't take long for me to get board, and when I did, I started to pace around the room.

My thoughts began to wonder.  I was reminded of the conversation that the two men were having.  They were talking about 'Black Jacket.' About me.  I felt so guilty for what I did.  I hurt so many people.  What were their family's feeling..?  What did they feel..?  What did it feel like for the people that I killed..?  Were they sad because the person that was supposed to save them, killed them..?  Were they glaring down at me from heaven, cursing my existence?  Did they even know that I killed them!?  What happened to their family!?  Was there family left to find a job of their own so that they could survive!?

I stared to hyperventilate.  My knees gave out from under me, causing me to fall down on them.  I reached for my throat and scratched at it helplessly, trying to open up the airway that lead to my lungs.  Black dots started to appear in my vision, slowly making everything dark. 

I don't deserve to be a hero.  I don't deserve to live.  I should suffer for everything I did..!  I belong in Hell..!  I'll never be happy..!  I won't let myself smile..!  I deserve the fate that has been handed to me.  I deserve to be slave, to live in my own Hell for all of eternity!  This guilt that has taken my heart inside of it's grasp will haunt me until the day I die..!  I won't let it face away...  Every day, every hour of every minute, I will remind myself that I killed all of those people...  I can't let myself be free of that guilt...  I'll carry it into my grave...  I'll carry it into Hell... 

I'll make myself suffer for what I did.

My breathing started to calm down.  I looked at the ceiling, my eyes showing complete emptiness within their gaze.  My hands lowered themselves into my lap.  I sat there for a long time, my neck painfully stretching backwards,  letting my head dangle in the air.

When my mind gathered itself together enough to move my body, I dropped my head down, causing my bangs to cover my eyes.  I slowly stood up, my body moving almost like a robot.  The image of a knife slicing through my main artery engraved itself into my mind.  I need a knife.  I need a knife to finish the life that my mother began.

I walked to the door with my head hanging loosely on my neck.  The door was locked.  I used one for All to break the door knob before I started my search for the kitchen area.  The kitchen was on the first floor.  The door was slightly larger than the other doors of the mansion.  I entered the kitchen and looked around for a knife.

"Uh, sir..?  Are you okay..?" One of the chefs asked.  I glared at him before I walked towards him.  My fingers laced themselves around his collar and pulled he up so that he could stare into my glaring eyes.

"Where are the knifes?" I questioned harshly.  The man pointed a shaking finger at one of the counters behind me.  I turned to look and saw a wood block full of knifes.  I let go of the man and walked over to them.  The sound of the knife as I pulled it out of the wood block sent shivers down my spine.

"W-wait..!  What are you doing..!?" The guy asked again.  He came up to me and tried to grab the knife out of my hand.  I growled as I harshly pushed him away from me, causing him to tap down on the floor.

"Don't ruin my plan," I spat.  The man scrambled back up and tried to pull the knife away from me once again.  My trip on the knife tightened as I prepared myself to attack him.  I ended up stabbing him in the stomach.  He grabbed his would and tried to stop the bleed, but his efforts were going to go to waste.

"Don't mess with my plan..!" I shouted, my mind filling to the brim with boiling rage.  The man fell on his back and sat there, groaning.  I trapped his body inbetween my legs before I sat my knees down on the floor.

"Stop trying to stop me..!  Stop trying to stop my plan..!" I crazily yelled as I raised my hands, which were now gripping the knife tightly, into the sky, before bringing them down on the man's body.  Blood splattered onto my face and body as I kept stabbing him, over and over.

"Die..!  Die..!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.  The man was dead long before I stopped.  My breathing was sporadic and my eyes stayed glued to the man's dead body.  His white chefs outfit was covered in the sticky substance called blood.

I heard a scream come from the doorway, followed by the sound of caring footsteps.  Someone had seen what I did.  It t didn't matter.  I wasn't going to be alive by the time the police had arrived. 

I brought the knife to my throat with my shaking hands.  I gulped as I got ready to kill myself.  On the count of three...  One...  Two...  Three...  I tried to jab the knife in my throat, but my hand suddenly lost its grip.  The knife slowly fell onto the body below me.  I stared at my hand, enraged that I hadn't been able to kill myself.  Why would I suddenly let it go?  I wanted to die.  I wanted to go where I belonged.  I belonged in Hell.

*Clap, clap*

The sound of someone clapping filled the silence around me.  I looked up at the kitchen door to see Phthonus slowly put his hands by his side.

"Good job.  You've killed your first victim without me to push you forward.  To bad you let a witness get away.  We had to kill her," Phthonus said.  He walked in and crouched down to hit me, "I'm so proud of you."

Kirishima was leaning against the doorway, watching me with a smirk on his face.  He whispered two words before he left the scene, "I've won."

Phthonus let go of me and stared into my eyes.  His smirk became evident.

"Use your hate...  And turn it against everyone out there.  Become the vary thing you despise.  Isn't that a fair punishment for you?"

I stared at Phthonus, "It's you.  Your the reason I can't kill myself."

Phthonus nodded.  I grabbed the knife on the floor and tried to stab Phthonus, but Phthonus grabbed my arm and twisted it until it broke.  I stared at my now dangling arm.

"Don't even try to kill me, Izuku." Phthonus ordered.  I slowly nodded my head.  Phthonus stood up and dragged me to our room.  He forced me to shower and change my clothes while he burned the ones covered in blood.

"The police will be coming over soon.  We'll be blaming one of the servants for the murder.  Stay here while the police are investigating.  We don't want them to know that you're here with us, " Phthonus said once I got out of the shower.

I nodded.  Phthonus leaned into me for a hug and said, "I'm so proud of you, Izuku," before kissing me on the lips.  I kissed him back, but I didn't put any energy into it.  Phthonus leaned away from me with a smile.  I simply looked at him, my eyes holding no emotion in their gaze.  Phthonus told me to do one thing before he left me alone,

"Get ready.  We'll be showing everyone who 'Black Jacket' really is at your memorial.  And we'll show them the new and improved version of Deku."