Liberating Changes [Joavin]

making someone love me

TW: suicide mention

Still Joaquin POV

Well shit, we're stuck.

My breath starts to get heavy and I uncontrollably burst into tears. Kevin looks unsure of what to do so he just holds me, rocking me and rubbing my back.
"Shh baby, you're not going to get hurt. I've got you, I've got you," he whispers in my ear. But that's not the reason I'm crying. I'm not scared, I don't think I'm going to get hurt, I just can't stop thinking of what my brother did. I feel myself start to shake and Kevin looks like he's panicking.
"Baby, please tell me what's wrong. I want to help you." I just look at him and shake my head.

"You can't help Kev, I promise that you can't but I guess I'll still tell you. Well, um...when I was four, my family went to the carnival. Me, my mum, my dad and my brother, Sebastian. Bas went on the Ferris wheel alone and when he was at the top, he yelled for them to stop. I thought something was wrong so I looked up from my toys to the where he was. I saw him stand up and then he looked at me, waved and yelled that he loved me before...before he jumped off. I-I didn't understand what was going on and why everyone was screaming. My parents ran to him and I followed and just called out to him. When he didn't respond, I started to cry and ended up screaming his name then... everything went black. I woke up at home, like nothing had happened, I thought it was all a bad dream until I saw that his bed and all his stuff was gone. It was like he never existed. My parents blamed me and I believed them until the police found out the real reason a few months later. He was getting bullied for having a boyfriend who had killed himself a few days before my brother. Bas wanted to be with him. That's why I hated myself when I found out I was pan. I could only think of what happened to Bas and it killed me."

I didn't realize that I wasn't even looking at him anymore, instead I was looking at my dangling feet. I had stopped crying and I felt numb but my body also hurt everywhere. When I looked back up at Kevin, he's staring at me in disbelief with sympathetic eyes. I just wiped the tears left on my face and suddenly, the wheel started moving again. We got to the bottom, not saying anything and I keep my distance from the others, hugging my dinosaur. I don't feel like doing anything anymore and I feel like I've ruined it for everyone else too, especially Kevin.
"I-I'm just gonna call FP," I whisper before walking away and calling him.

He picks up after a few rings,
"Hey kiddo, are you okay?"
"Yeah yeah, I just want you to pick me up now"
"Okay, I'll text you when I'm there." He then hangs up and I sit on a bench by me, alone. I stare at the ground, thinking about my stupid outburst and hugging my dinosaur close. I then start talking to the dinosaur as if it was a diary that the words disappear from instantly. In fact, I get so lost in my own world that I don't realise Kevin's standing right next to the bench. He gets my attention with a fake cough and when I look at him, he gives me a small but caring smile. The smile doesn't match his face though, he looks sad or lost or something like that. I kick myself mentally, knowing it's all because of me. Then he sits down next to me, not saying a word but taking my hands in his. He kisses then and stares at them. Then I hear my text tone go off, it's FP telling me that he's here.
"I should probably go," I say in a small voice, making Kevin nod. I look at him again and see that he wants to help me but can't. That it hurts him to see me hurt and that he wants to help my everyway that he can. That he loves my and I feel guilty. I don't know why but I do. I feel guilty for making someone love me