Mrs All American - luke

29

L U K E

So it's Friday, which means Sam has left for her cousin's wedding and that means Dylan is with her. I didn't tell her, but I'm still annoyed that he's doing with her. And I don't understand why she would ask him to go.

Obviously I can't go with her, even if I wanted to, but him, of all people? Sure, Dylan is nice to her and all, but I don't like him around her. I don't know why I don't like him even though I've barely ever had a conversation with him. Besides that time we talked after Sam was released from the hospital, we haven't spoken much since then.

Maybe I don't like him because of the fact that he took Sam's virginity, something I won't ever be able to have. And even if she doesn't see it, they have some sort of connection. They're still friends, for fuck's sake, and she still obviously cares about him. Not in that way, of course. I'm sure she must have looked at him that way when they were together. I'm talking about that way you look at someone when you love them and I can't help but think that she won't ever look at me like that.

Because let's face it, this is going to end. I can pretend for a while that it doesn't have to, but it will.

I'm mad at myself for letting things like this happen. This didn't have to happen, it never should have in the first place. I'm Luke Hemmings. I don't stay with a girl after sex. I don't develop feelings. I don't care about anyone but myself. I always leave.
Maybe that's what I should do before it all becomes too much. Maybe I should tell Sam that-

"Hey, dude, what are you doing?" Ashton asks me as he enters the living room. We haven't really talked since our fallout a few days ago. I kind of just gave him some space and he did the same to me. I don't know about him, but I don't wanna talk about what happened. I don't even wanna talk about Sam. Not just to him, but to anyone.

As bad as it sounds, I like her as my little secret.

"Nothing, just trying to write, I guess," I tell him as I looked down at the notebook in my lap. I've been sitting here for nearly an hour, trying to write something, but I come up with nothing. I don't know why I decided to. I guess I just need an outlet from everything I haven't said.

"Want some help?" He asks me and I shake my head. Ashton nods and takes a seat on the couch next to me.

"So, are we okay? You're not mad, right?"

I shake my head. I may be mad half the time, but I'm not mad at Ashton anymore. He's my best friend and being mad at him is pointless. "We're okay."

"Yeah, but I should apologize," he says and his eyebrows knot together. "If you like Sam, who am I to have an opinion on that? You're right. It's no one's business."

I sigh. I know I said I don't wanna talk about it, but I just have to before it really drives me insane. "What am I doing with a girl like her, Ash? What's a guy like me doing with her?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I just - I'm Luke Hemmings, for fuck's sakes. Everyone knows what I do," I groan. I don't know where this is coming from, but it's coming out like word vomit. "I'm not good for her. That's kind of what you implied last time we talked about this."

Ashton shakes his head. "You're a lot nicer to her than you think, Luke," he says in a reassuring voice. "Give yourself some credit. You're not an asshole. You never are. Yeah, you hooked up with girls, but that doesn't make you an ass."

I almost want to laugh. "That's all people talk about half the time. That's why I can't talk about Sam." Because they'll say things I won't like and I don't want anyone talking about Sam that way. Ever.