Mrs All American - luke

43

L U K E

2 months later

It's currently two am and I can't sleep. I'm just not tired, probably because I still have all this adrenaline running through me since we were on stage earlier. Maybe this bit of alcohol I consumed isn't helping either.

I'm tossing and turning in my bunk, trying to just fall asleep, but I can't and it's pissing me the fuck off. Not only that, but I can hear Michael, Calum, and Ashton all screaming in the very back of the bus. They're most likely playing video games or getting drunk. Probably both.

So I lay there, giving up because sleep isn't coming anytime soon. I usually sleep like a rock in the bus, but for some reason I can't tonight. I take out my phone and scroll through social media. But I get bored quickly so I set my phone back down and lay there again, staring at nothing.

I can hear Calum saying something and in between, I hear him say, "She says she's okay."

My eyebrows furrow. I already know who he's talking about. I wish I didn't, but I do. Sam.

I caught him texting her a while go, but I didn't say anything. I don't know if she ever responded, though.

I haven't thought about her these past two months. When I first left, she crossed my mind almost every single night for a while. Until suddenly, it just stopped. It doesn't mean I don't miss her, because I do. I fucking miss her. I miss her a lot and now I'm thinking about her. I knew I was always thinking about her, deep in some part of my mind. My thoughts about her never left and neither did she. Fuck. I can't stop thinking about her now. This is all Calum's fault.

How is she? Isn't she graduating next month? What has she been doing? I wonder what she's doing right now. Is she okay? Who is she with? Does she still talk to Dylan? Is she with someone else right now? Has she been with someone else since me? What if she got with Dylan? I haven't been able to touch, or even be, with another girl since her. She was my last. I kind of want to keep it that way for a while.

No, I can't fucking think about Sam being with someone who isn't me. The idea of it scares me, it fucking terrifies me.

I leave my bunk and head to the back of the bus, where I can still hear the boys talking about Sam. Why would they talk about her?

The door slides open and when they see me, they get quiet. They all have worried looks on their faces. That night, they didn't ask me anything because I was too upset to tell them. I just didn't want to tell them mostly. Because I couldn't believe what I had just done. I couldn't believe I had fucked up the best thing that had happened to me.

At the time, it seemed easier to just push Sam away. It seemed easier to lie and tell her I never wanted her. I know it makes no fucking sense, but Sam is too nice to be get involved in this type of lifestyle and I don't want anyone to hurt her, even if I did. Things should be easy for her, not difficult. Which is exactly what I am. I was terrified after what she had said. She told me she loved me and I didn't say it back. I should have, but I didn't. Why would she want to be with someone as fucked up as me anyway? I'm--I was bad for her, she was too good for me.

I don't--I didn't deserve her. I could never deserve someone like her.

"Why are you guys talking about her?" I ask them quietly as I lean on the door frame. "I don't care if you do, just don't do it around me."

I can't sit here and listen to them talk about Sam. Not when she still means so much and I hurt her so fucking bad. That night she didn't say much, but I could tell what she was feeling by the look in her eyes. I broke her heart and by doing so, I broke my own. And I want to tell her how sorry I am, that I'm so sorry that I left her and hurt her and worst of all, made her cry over me.

"You need to tell us what happened," Michael says in a stern voice. "You can't keep moping around."

"I'm not moping around."

"Yes, you are. You don't go out with us anymore and you're not happy. Don't lie to us," Ashton says. Usually I'd get mad when he says things like this, but not now. 'Cause now I'm willing to admit that he's right. They're all right.

"Come on, Luke," Calum says, signaling for me to sit between him and Ashton.

I sit down and start to think about how I should start. I'm willing to talk about it because I know it will drive me crazy if I don't. Where do I start? How do I tell them? How do I tell them I fell for such a beautiful girl only to just break her heart?

"Sam told me she loved me," I say and don't realize that I've started crying until Calum pats my shoulder. Shit, I must have it bad for her if I'm here crying over her at two in the morning. "She said it and I didn't say it back."

"Why?" Ashton asks me.

"I don't know!" I whine and look down at the floor, covering my face with the back of my hands. I don't want them to see me cry like this. They never have. "It scared the fuck out of me when she said it, but now I keep thinking about it. And I feel so lost without her and fuck, I just love her so fucking much. I don't know what to do. She probably hates me!"

All I know is that I need her. I need to find her and tell her I love her.

No. I need to tell her I am desperately in love with her.

"She doesn't hate you," Calum says and I look up at him. "She told me before. I knew how she felt about you."

"Why did you do that anyway?" Michael asks and I'm still wondering how often Sam and Calum talk. "Why would you push her away like that? I don't get it."

"Because she doesn't need to be with someone like me!" I groan and lean back on the small couch. "Don't you all see that I'm not good for her? Look how badly I fucked this up."

"Okay, Luke, I'm just gonna tell you this right now," Ashton starts off. "You need to fucking stop running away from things like this, especially Sam. And you need to stop thinking like all you do is fuck things up, because you don't, okay? Yeah, you make mistakes and you should probably get kicked in the balls for the one you just made, but that doesn't mean you're bad for her.

"It's obvious you still have feelings for her, so do something about it," he continues. "Or just bitch all you want and be miserable. It's your choice."

a/n: ayyyyy ashton being the real mvp

im literally so close to almost being done writing this story im gonna cry