Mrs All American - luke

42

S A M

The next morning, I force myself out of bed, despite getting little to no sleep, and get ready for school. I cry quietly in the shower so that India and Becca can't hear me. Maybe putting make up on, or even getting ready at all, is pointless since I look and feel like an utter mess.

India and Becca are talking quietly and laughing when I enter the kitchen. I give them a nod and pour myself a cup of coffee. I decide that I can't think about him, I can't let him consume my every thought because it's not worth it. Because I have much more important things to worry about, don't I? Yes, I do. Like graduating in March and focusing on school and myself. And all this crying is not worth it either. It's getting me nowhere. But I can't deny the fact that I still feel so goddamn miserable inside.

Before I leave, I grab a granola bar and then head out. The cold is unforgiving, making me shiver as I walk to class and clutch my coffee in my hand.

Coffee reminds me of Dylan. He used to wait for me after classes and every time, he had a cup of coffee for me waiting. We used to go to the park and he'd read me his favorite books. We shared our first kiss in a coffee shop. It was cute, a little cliche, but who cares. Maybe I'll go see him today and see how he's doing. I haven't seen him in a while.

Since I'm about to graduate and crammed extra credits during the summer semester to speed up my graduating process, I only have two classes. I'm glad because I just want to get this whole graduating thing over.

The first day here was so scary and so intimidating, but it gets better. I can't believe it's been four years. I can't believe I'm about to graduate. It suddenly dawns on me that my parents won't get to see me. My aunt and uncle can't make it, they have a trip planned during March, but at least I have India and Becca and Dylan.

When I get to class, I sit in the back, which is so unusual because I always sit in the front. I have trouble focusing because thoughts of him making edging their way in, demanding to be heard. I know I said I wouldn't, but the more I think about what happened yesterday, the angrier I get. I just feel so stupid.

Yet I still feel sad, as much as it pains me to admit it, because I know that after class I won't get to see him and I had grown used to that. I'd grown used to having him around, even if at times he did get difficult for no reason. And no matter how much time we spent fighting, I still miss him. And I still love him.

I want to leave class, but that's not right. So I suck it up and sit there, slowly taking notes and glancing up every now and then. British literature sucks.

***

After I'm finally done with classes, I call Dylan and ask if it's okay to come over. Turns out he doesn't have to go into work until later, so I head over. He offers to pick me up, but I want to talk instead, even if it way too cold to be out.

Walking will help me clear my head.
Maybe if I just think about everything I'm feeling, I'll be able to forget everything about him and the things he made feel.

Well, I feel used, to start off. Worst of all, I feel unwanted. I feel pathetic for feeling like this and feeling so sad. Luke was never my boyfriend. He was never mine to begin with, so what gives me the right to feel like this? No, why should I feel like this when he is obviously fine? India would tell me that this, that he, isn't worth it. Maybe she's right. If he hurt me so badly, and only used me for his own benefit, then it's not worth it. Definitely not.

But now what am I supposed to do? I still love him and I don't know how I'm supposed to get over him. How am I supposed to get over someone who was never even mine? Why am I asking myself so many questions? Why is he making me question everything?

By the time I make it to Dylan's, I'm nearly in tears again, but I'm telling myself to hold it together. This is not about me and my problems, this is about catching up with Dylan and seeing how he's doing. I don't want to turn into that friend and bothers everyone with their problems.

But when Dylan opens his front door and takes one look at me, his smile slowly fades away and he shakes his head. Dylan is always good to talk to. He's that kind of person that even if you haven't spoken to him in a long time, he will carry on like normal and be nice to you.

"I told him I loved him and he left," I say quietly and feel a tear roll down my cheek. "He left."

"Come on, Sammy," Dylan says and extends his hand out for me to take. I take it and he leads me inside.

We sit on his couch and he places a blanket around my shoulders. His hand is on my knee, moving in a circular motion in attempt to comfort me. I'm not crying as hard as I thought I would.

"When was this?" He asks me quietly and lets me rest my head on his shoulder as we lean back on the couch.

"It was yesterday," I tell him as I hug myself. "But can we talk about it later?" I ask him and he nods. "I wanna talk about anything but him. I just wanna hang out with you and not be sad."

"Okay, Sammy," he whispers. "How about some hot chocolate and a movie?"

I give him a nod and then he leaves to go to the kitchen. Maybe Dylan is what I need right now. Not like that, I just need him to be here for me.

I just need something to help me forget him.

a/n: v v boring chapter soz guys but sam just has lots of feelings right now cause of lukes stupid ass but speaking of that twat we'll hear from him next chapter ok :)

i know im like bombarding you all with updates but im trying to update as much as i can before i get too busy with finals *curls up into fetus position and cries*