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1. Kissing

I always thought kissing would be more... well more, everything.

Don't get me wrong, kissing is nice. Especially now we've passed all the preliminary awkward teeth bashing and overly wet slobbery mouth action. Now it's enjoyable, like a hug when you're sad or a hot chocolate on a cold wet day. The kisses are comforting, warm and nice which sums up Teddy. Sweet boy, sweet kisses.

My mind always starts to drift as his mouth moves against mine. What did I expect from kissing? I'm not sure. I suppose I thought it would feel more than this. It's probably my fault. I'm lacking in many ways and I'm always holding back to protect myself. It's how I've grown up. It's how I've survived this long.

I've learnt to never expose myself for who I truly am. If I did, we wouldn't be here. He wouldn't have his lips against mine. I wouldn't be alive.

Four months ago Teddy approached me in the street, asking if the laundry delivery business I worked for were hiring. The usual automatic rejection was on the tip of my tongue except when I'd opened my mouth a yes had dropped out.

I do the accounts so I knew the business I run with my mum could afford to hire one extra person, and as I am the only person who does the deliveries I also knew we could use the help. Collection and delivery of laundry, easy and simple but not fantastically paid. Teddy accepted immediately.

My mum had been upset. No, let me rephrase that, she'd been furious. Whereas I was excited at having the opportunity to interact with someone of a similar age to me.

Admittedly, it was risky having Teddy work for us. Up until now, it had always been the two of us; me and my mum. Allowing others to get close, even as employees, seemed too dangerous. Our lives were built around avoiding anything which increased our chances of being discovered but I'd taken a liking to Teddy.

Not because he was handsome, although that was a bonus. My reason was something much simpler; Teddy seemed genuine and innocent. Traits I rarely come across in my dealings with people. Traits which mean he's too good to work for us and the morally corrupt world we are part of.

I should not have offered him the job.

I try to protect Teddy by allocating him to specific clients. Teddy only delivers to the clever ones who are good at hiding the real activities taking place on their premises. The ones which are better at covering what they do, who pretend, even to us, they are law-abiding wholesome businesses.

I've become accustomed to this hidden world out of necessity rather than choice. However, Teddy doesn't need to be exposed to all of it. I don't want to take away his innocence or jeopardised his future. By keeping him in the dark he's protected. This way, if he's ever caught he can claim ignorance of what we were involved in. He'd be telling the truth. The State may not punish him. Possibly.

Teddy deepens our kiss.

He's a polite kisser. His body presses gently against mine as I lean against the cold brick wall of the alleyway running alongside our shop. His hands rest on my waist. They always remain there. He never attempts anything more. Sometimes, I wish he would.

Until I remind myself this is practise, that's all. We both know there is no future for us. This is a little innocent fun without the messy love or romance, a convenient and enjoyable arrangement which suits us both.

It started a few months ago. Sitting on the curb in the evening after Teddy's shift had finished, we'd been sharing a drink and talking. It'd become our habit since he started, every day without fail we'd sit together after his shift and 'hang out'. It had felt strange at first. I wasn't used to hanging out with people my own age, but I soon looked forward to the moments when it was just the two of us.