Unmarked

48. Pretending Indifference

As I venture further into the industrial area past the familiar warehouses, the grief is reawakened. All the tears I shed yesterday were obviously not enough because I'm on the verge of another facial flood. This is definitely the wrong place and time.

I avoid passing the building I lived in, taking the longer route. The detour does little to lessen the sharpening of the lump in my throat which is digging deeper, causing my eyes to prick with wetness and my lip to tremble.

Distract, I focus on the birds lined up on grey tattered roofs streaked with flecks of brown and green, on the cracked worn concrete paths and the worn-looking workers taking their breaks wedged between crates.

The distractions don't work because everywhere I look I'm reminded of my mum, of why we had to run, of what I did.

Biting my lip hard, the pain seems to work as a better distraction so when I enter the Fortune Fashion factory and ask for Charlie, the wobble in my voice is barely noticeable even if the blood I've drawn is.

Charlie is slumped in a chair in front of her desk. She looks how I feel, exhausted. Her hooded eyes slowly rise to meet mine when I enter the room.

"Cady, I'm so glad you came. I apologise for my no show yesterday, I was detained longer than expected by the Officials." She stands but it looks like a struggle, a low hiss escapes through her lips.

"Are you ok?" I ask, closing the door behind me.

"Fine. One of many recent encounters with a few over-enthusiastic Officials." She watches me carefully as I stand in the middle of her pokey office.

I force myself not to shuffle uncomfortably. I don't want to look nervous or unsure. Charlie gestures to a chair opposite her and looks relieved when I take it. She tentatively lowers herself back into her seat. The whole 'I'm fine' act is exactly that, an act.

"Jas informed me of your desire to access potentially beneficial information for our cause," Charlie speaks slowly, every word carefully selected. "It's brilliant you're enthusiastic about helping, however, I'm slightly perplexed as to the reason behind your desire to undertake the task."

"If I'm successful it will make a difference, unlike the role you had in mind for me as some Unmarked mascot." I shrug.

"Cady, you will not be a mascot. I see great potential in your role with us. There are many aspects of our organisation you can get involved in. It is unnecessary for you to even attempt this and I'm not sure you're fully aware of the risks-"

"I understand it is unlikely I will survive, but if I succeed then I would have done something worthwhile." I make eye contact but her face remains impassive, unreadable which makes it difficult to gauge whether she believes me.

"Did Jas also inform you, you're not the first person to attempt this?"

"Sure," I lie.

"So you're also aware they all ended with the individuals being killed."

"I assumed that was the case. The State has killed people for less." I shrug, forcing myself to look casual.

"I spoke to Grey today and he told me about what happened at the fight club. Often it can take a victim days before they truly begin to process events, let alone start to come to terms with-"

"Nothing happened," I interject stiffly. What else Grey has told her?

"Your attacker may not have carried out his full intentions but it would still have been a traumatic experience. Traumatic enough to affect your decision making, to potentially encourage reckless actions and thoughts."