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37. Distracting Me

My legs are resisting my brain's instructions to move forward. I'm only meeting Teddy. Teddy my first proper friend. Teddy the sweet kisser. Teddy the Official. Those last three words don't sound right, and I find myself chewing on them, trying to swallow them back but they get lodged in my throat alongside the food I've been trying to force inside me.

My insides are constricted, breathing is difficult, but I force my face to remain neutral and my body to move. It's a struggle so I've spoken barely two words since we left the hotel. Trying to speak whilst maintaining this facade would be impossible.

"Are you going to eat that?" Grey's words interrupt my thoughts.

"No." I hand over the breakfast burrito Grey choose for me. I'm sure it tastes good but for some reason, my tongue isn't able to register anything but the taste of betrayal and nervousness. It's a horrible flavour.

"I wanted to be a firefighter growing up," Grey says.

I look up at him surprised. I could see him saving people from raging fires while people stand around swooning over him. "You'd look great in the uniform."

The corner of his mouth tilts upwards. "I wanted to be part of something which helped people, contributed to making a positive difference." He hesitates as his face creases into a frown. "But my father was adamant about me becoming an Official. He signed me up to a Junior Official Training Program from the age of ten. I hated it all, every drill, every element of training but I'd try my hardest because it was the first time my father praised me. He would come to every award ceremony, every parade. He was proud of me."

I inhale deeply. "Do you think you would have become an Official?"

"I was six months away from graduating before I was arrested." Grey's voice lowers, checking around us for prying ears. He steps closer, his voice only audible to me. "If things had been different I would have been expected to be sworn in on my eighteenth birthday and I would have done it because of my father."

"Most people seek the approval of their parents." I shrug.

"Maybe. The hardest thing I've had to accept is the very reason I survived labour camp was because of my Official training. I knew how to act, how to be respectful, even with stupid things like tucking my bedsheets correctly or the way I presented myself. It meant the Officials didn't bother me as much. I wasn't a target."

"One night, I woke up to the sound of an Official getting beaten. She was new and had been lured into our dorm by some inmates one night. She was only a few years older than me and they were pummelling her, about to..." Grey shakes his head in disgust. "It was bad and part of me wanted to ignore what was happening. I hated everything she stood for but I couldn't stand by. I jumped in and distracted them long enough so the Official managed to escape. I woke up four days later. The Official's father visited me. He had some important job in headquarters, multiple markings on the side of his face. He got me out in repayment for my good deed. He was the one who told me about Lar's fight club. He told me Officials don't usually visit it so it would be the safest option. Gloria took me on, no questions asked. Even though I told her I wouldn't ever be seen in those ridiculous costumes."

"So you're telling me, you missed out on the amazing experience of having all your clothes cut off and being made to stand half-naked in front of everyone?" I say dryly.

"My clothes stayed intact on my body at all times."

"Hardly seems fair."

"She was obviously saving the trick for someone worth looking at half-naked." Grey smiles.

I can't help but laugh. "Mmm... not so sure about that. From what I saw this morning, I think a lot more people would want to look at you rather than me."

Grey chuckles. "We're here."

I gaze up to see the entrance of the park. That was quick. Glancing at Grey, he looks overly pleased with himself.

"Your childhood story was a distraction wasn't it?" I say accusingly.

"A technique I've picked up from you. Every time I've been panicking, you tell me something about yourself which distracts me from the situation. I thought it was about time I returned the favour."

"First, I don't panic and second, you didn't need to tell me something so personal." I arch an eyebrow. "A simple childhood memory or random fact would have worked."

"I didn't realise the personal stuff made you so uncomfortable." Grey arches an eyebrow.

"It doesn't," I say flatly.

It makes me feel as though he expects me to return the gesture and reveal a precious past memory, a snippet of my life but I don't do touchy-feely. It's not really my thing.

"Sure it doesn't." Grey laughs. "I'll wait at the cafe opposite."

Watching him walk away, my mind is a conflict of thoughts. I shouldn't feel responsible for him but I am. The Official's turned up at Lar's fight club because of me and now Grey has lost his place to hide. After meeting Teddy, I need to find Grey somewhere to go because he can't stay with me. Even if I wanted him to, which I don't.