Unmarked

52. Taking The Blame

Shivering, I feel my internal organs rattle inside my cavernous chest. Confused, I watch Grey wrapping a towel around me. I don't remember getting out the shower.

Grey rubs the outside of the towel as he mutters something to himself or maybe he's talking to me. I'm not sure. I have to concentrate to hear through the heavy dark fog clouding my head, making everything harder. It's harder to hear, harder to talk, harder to move, harder to feel.

"What happened?" Grey says, kneeling in front of me.

"I wanted a shower," I mumble.

"A cold shower whilst fully dressed?" Grey arches an eyebrow.

"I read somewhere cold showers are good for clearing the mind." I try curling my lips into a smile.

Grey shakes his head, ignoring my terrible attempt at a making light of the situation.

"Cady, this is ridiculous. You need to cancel tonight."

"I'm not worried about tonight," I say truthfully.

In all honesty, I've hardly thought about the actual task of entering the building, finding Talbots office, inserting the USB device and escaping. I've been too focused on avoiding thoughts of my mum or avoiding what this place reminds me of. It is the city I decided to take my last breath, my last day. It is the city where I gave up on myself, on any hope of having a future and even though I'm alive now, I'm not sure who I'm living for anymore. My focus has always been on someone else: my mother, Teddy, Grey. When I run will I be able to live for myself?

I stare at Grey's arms covered in marks and I want to know more about him before I leave. I whisper, "Tell me about some of your marks."

Grey sighs. "I will when you get back tonight."

My stomach drops. I should be honest and tell him I'm not coming back. My gaze focuses on his Birth Brand in-between his collarbone as my fingers rest on it. It feels different to Teddy's, the only other birth brand I've ever touched. Grey's is softer, the gold circle located under his identification number is not raised and firm.

Grey's hand rests on top of my fingers. "Why am I getting the distinct impression you're planning on leaving?"

I don't respond.

He exhales loudly. "Running won't solve anything."

"Says the person who suggested earlier we leave."

"I'll amend my statement, running can solve some problems like preventing you from getting killed."

"Your involvement in the organisation increases your chances of dying."

"If my contribution can make a difference, I'll accept a slight increase in my chances of death."

"So you think my contribution won't make a difference?" I snap.

"You'll be lucky if you manage to get through the first set of scanners without being caught," Grey retorts.

"It's nice to know you have so much faith in me."

"It's not about you. I don't know who you're going with or what their motive is. I want to know why they are risking their life to take you into a State building to steal information for a rebel organisation?" Grey stands up and exhales loudly. "If they're connected enough to get you in, they must work for The State which automatically makes me not trust them."

"You don't have to trust them, it's my life on the line. You have a role in the organisation, Jas will ensure you're looked after. You're getting what you want."

"I don't want you dead," Grey shouts angrily. He roughly runs his fingers through his hair. "Forget everyone else. What do you want?"

I don't know. I've never had real choices. Everything I've done has been about survival: breathe, eat, sleep and work. Part of me wants to diffuse this tension and joke I want you, except I can't guarantee I'll say it without faltering because there's a shred of truth in the statement. I also want more. I want to know how to read, to experience living, real living. I want to be totally honest with Grey about what I've done which could lead him to reject me or worse, him accepting me; then knowing me, I'll completely mess everything up. I won't ruin his life which will be the only outcome if he stays with me.

I shrug. "Right now, I want to get out of these wet clothes then I want to focus on ensuring tonight is a success."

"And beyond that?"

"Does it matter? My choices are limited. Always have been and always will be. I've learnt to accept and live with it." I stand up, pulling the towel tighter around my body. "Thank you for everything. You've been a massive help but you don't need to waste any more time with me."

Grey shakes his head, running his fingers through his hair again, hair I ran my fingers through last night.

I avert my gaze, unable to maintain eye contact. My chest constricts as a lump starts to form in my throat.

"A whole life of running and hiding can make a person fearful so I'm going to remind you, Cady, everything worthwhile comes with risks."

"I take plenty of risks," I say pathetically.

"Choosing death isn't a risk. Deciding to live is." Grey walks towards the door, pausing he turns slightly. "I would have come with you, Cady. All you had to do was ask."

Come with me where? Into the State Headquarters or after? Not that it matters anymore. His use of the past tense indicates I'm too late. I've messed this up like I predicted, but in a completely different way than expected.

The door clicks shut behind Grey and I'm alone again. It's better this way. I screw up, I let people down when things get too tough. Every time I messed up, me and my mum had to run. Every time I've lost control, we've had to vanish in the middle of the night. Everyone at the fight club was arrested and either sent to a labour camp or killed, Gloria is dead, my mum is dead and the common denominator in all of this is me.