Unmarked

39. Still Here

A lump forms in my throat as Grey approaches. I choke down the sharp sensation impairing my vocal cords. Why am I getting overly emotional now? It must be the side effects of the drugs. I'm not feeling anything towards Grey apart from normal human compassion. I'm not enjoying him being by my side.

"Why are you still here?" I ask.

"Nice to see you too," Grey arches an eyebrow.

"I'm being serious."

"Because you asked me to stay.'

I huff. He has a point.

"What's going on, Cady?"

"I just don't understand why my mum wouldn't get me a Birth Brand." I also don't understand why you're here or why I can't just leave you behind.

"Did she never talk to you about it? Did you never ask?"

"My mum wasn't a big communicator." Understatement of the year.

"Your mum probably didn't anticipate the outcome."

"How could she not? The State punish anyone who steps out of line and getting a birth brand is a requirement. Not having one goes against The State."

"Have you ever considered why it's a requirement?"Grey says.

I almost retort because you need it to access the whole of society, but I understand he's referring to something deeper.

Why do we need a birth brand sealed between our collar bones to access life? And what is so offensive about deciding not to have one? It doesn't make sense but then most of The State's actions and what it enforces doesn't.

"You don't think there is some truth in what Charlie said about Unmarkeds being important?" I shake my head.

"I don't know what Charlie's theories are, but I do think the aim of their group is important. They want to implement a fairer system and I'd like to find out how I can get involved and help."

"Are you being serious? Are you really willing to risk your life for something which will almost certainly fail?"

"How can you be so sure it will fail?"

"The State always win, always come out on top and they always get what they want."

"They haven't got you." Grey frowns.

"It's only a matter of time," I respond flatly. I've accepted the idea they will find me eventually. One day, my time will be up. "You survived and escaped the Labour Camp, why would you want to join and risk being sent back?"

"My time in the labour camp is the very reason I want to make a change. The things I've seen...' Grey's face is streaked with anger before he tries to compose himself; he can't hide the pain and horror. He lowers his voice, "I watched a woman have all her fingers cut off one by one, her bloody stumps sealed with a red hot iron prong. Do you know what her crime was? She stole some food for her hungry children because her husband had spent all their money. I watched them hammer a nail into the ear of a teenage boy because he was caught selling contraband music. He was only fourteen years old. Then after all the torture and the abuse you experience, they expect you to work like dogs to help The State.'

I wrap my arms around Grey, hugging him tight. It's the only thing I can think of, the only response I consider suitable. Nothing I say will make those images go away. No words can heal or reverse the impact of what he's experienced and selfishly I don't want to hear anymore.

My mum would have suffered at a labour camp. She must have experienced pain and torment but she never shared her past with me. A tangle of anger, resentment and longing forms inside me. I know so little of the woman who brought me up.

Grey's arms secure me to him, holding me tight, he whispers urgently, "If there's any chance I can stop unnecessary torture from continuing to happen, I have to try. Do you understand?"

Do I? I've spent my whole life running and hiding. Everything I've done has been to ensure me and my mum survive. I've never thought about anyone else, never had to consider what other people are going through. I'm a selfish coward.

I rest my head on his chest, listening to the pounding of his heart. Except maybe now, I'm starting to understand. I'm realising how many lives have been ruined. It's not only me who has suffered at the hands of The State.

"Imagine a life where you don't have to hide your unmarked skin. You wouldn't have to worry about being dragged away by The State or people exploiting you because you have something to hide. You deserve a life of freedom," Grey whispers.

His words make my blood freeze and my heart turns to ice. I don't deserve any of those things because I'm not innocent. Grey saved an Official, an Official who probably committed a multitude of terrible acts yet he saved her. I killed an Official, one which was dragging my mum to where she was meant to be. Maybe my mum deserved to be in a labour camp. I don't know what her crime was.

Grey spoke about doing things we are not proud of but what about things that eat away at you and remind you every day what a terrible individual you are.

If Grey knew all the things I've done, he would never look at me the same. I can barely look at myself. I step back freeing myself from his embrace. "We should go. Charlie is expecting us soon."

"Cady..." Grey's steps towards me.

"We don't want to be late." I retreat, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

Every part of me is telling me to run, but I made a vow to myself to ensure Grey is ok. We will meet with Charlie, he can join their living in a dream world rebel group and I'll be free, or as free as I can be.