kik → a.i ⋆ c.h

50 // end.

content warning:
depression
smut
read with care, this is a very, very long chapter and you could miss something if you read too fast
also, put happier by ed sheeran on repeat for this one

Calum doesn't really know why he decided to pull out his guitar and write a song, or why the song was about Ashton. He hated himself for it, though.

Play the scene over again
Before the credits rolling in
Inside my head

Calum hadn't touched his guitar in a year. He hadn't written music in five. Yet, he knew exactly what to write. Calum was so broken, so numb, that he had nothing left to lose, and who cares if the song sucked? No one was going to see it. It was for Calum only. Maybe Duke.

I don't recall a single word
You hit me faster than I hurt
Inside my head

None of it was even true. With music, Calum could create a new reality. One where he called Ashton the night he relapsed. One where Jack didn't come back. One where everything was okay. Obviously, Calum knew it was bullshit. He couldn't get away from the real world, but for a moment, he was able to hide in the one he created. Make-believe worlds made him feel alive again, as opposed to the real world where his heart was a bomb, where he didn't know how to exist anymore.

And now I'm shaking, wearing thin
I've always wondered where you've been
Tell me if you wanted it at all

One where Calum didn't ignore Ashton. Where he talked to Ashton, where he fixed things. Where he wasn't a coward. He told himself that maybe things would be different if he hadn't ignored Ashton. Calum prayed for the ability to turn back time and he screamed to nothing until he couldn't breathe. He fell to his knees in tears, begging whoever was listening to fix what he did. He never got an answer.

I got a long term plan with short term fixes
And a wasted heart that just eclipses
And I push my luck and trust the dust enough
That's the story of another us

He went too far. He knew it was all over when he called Ashton. It was over as soon as Calum opened his mouth and he was calling Ashton a prick. Calum knew Ashton was done when Calum accused him of not ever loving him. He knew he'd destroyed whatever chance he had left, when Calum completely invalidated the way Ashton felt about Luke.

One last ditch and new beginnings
So take this heart put yourself in it
This surprise ending I'm depending on
Be the story of another us

But Calum was telling a new story. "The story of another us." He mumbles as he writes the words down on a piece of paper. "Where I didn't destroy the best part of my life." He wipes a few tears from his eyes before they can fall to the paper. But when he glances down, the teardrops rolling down his guitar have him laughing for a brief moment. "Taylor Swift tease." He chuckles to himself.

Memories are pay-per-view
It costs too much to think of you
I'm hanging by a thread

Calum felt like he was drowning, clawing at the surface for air. And even thinking of Ashton anymore hurt him too bad. How did he deserve to even think about Ashton, when he broke his heart? Calum never stopped mentally attacking himself for that one. He did exactly what he promised he'd never do. Calum promised Ashton everything, and gave him nothing.

An epilogue before we're done
I see quick to what we've begun
I'm hanging by a thread

In his make-believe world, Calum wrote an epilogue to their story. One with a better ending than the one in the real world. In the real world, Calum was the antagonist. The beginning of the story captured him as the protagonist's love interest and ended with Calum as the enemy. He knew the happy ending belonged with Ashton and Luke. But in his epilogue, Calum never switched sides. Calum never broke Ashton. Things were better, things were happy.