The Girl In The Suit

Tasha

I stand at the door just crying. This is all my fault. I've never felt so guilty in my life. I almost cost this girl her life. Along with the guilt, flashbacks of my attempt come back. The fact that she felt that dark breaks me. I would never wish what I felt on my worst enemy.

What did it feel like? It was dark, lonely, empty. I was tired all the time. Even when I was with people I loved, I was out of it. The only thing that gave me light was my love for Gabrielle. Any time I was with her, I was different. I wasn't tired, I wasnt lonely and I wasn't empty. Then when I was away from her, I went back to reality. She knew what I was going through, but she had no idea how big it was until she found me with a knife to my wrist and in tears. She ripped it out of my hands and threw her arms around me, and I cried and cried and cried. My parents were devastated. I never wanna go back there again.

Everyone thinks I'm so strong. That's why I have loads of friends. The truth is I can break, and I've learnt to dealt with it by helping people with their problems and giving them advice. Even while I was sick, it helped me. Nothing made me feel better than telling Gabrielle it was going to be ok, that her dad moving out was probably the best thing. Only Gabrielle knows what happened. Not Caoimhe, not Amelia, not Hayley, not even Gemma. I think it's best that way. I don't need to hurt anyone else.

I wipe my face and I hold it together as I walk out the door back into the waiting room. Everyone turns their attention to me.

"She's gone back to sleep now for a while.", I say.

"I just wanna go in there to take care of her.", Freddie says. "I need to talk to her once she wakes up again."

I nod my head and he heads inside the door. My eyes fall up to Gemma's parents, who are clearly exhausted.

"Mr and Mrs Welch,", I start, "I think you should be in there."

"I don't think so.", her mother says. "We failed her."

I sit down beside her. "Yesterday, no one failed her more than I did. And we just talked. If we can talk after what I did, then you guys should be in there. At least half of the people here today let her down at some point, but what matters is that we still care for her and that we're all here today. You guys are her parents. No matter what ye have or haven't done, she's your flesh and blood, and if you aren't in there with her, and God forbid something happens, you will both regret not being with her for the rest of your lives. So please go in there."

The two parents look at me before the mother gives me a hug. 

"You're right.", she says. "What's your name again?"

"My names Tasha."

"Thank you, Tasha. You're wise beyond your years."

I smile. "Thank you, Mrs Welch."

We seperate and they walk into the room. I go over between Gabrielle and my mother.

"That was amazing, Tasha.", my mother says. "As well as what you said last night. You're unbelievably intelligent."

I smile at her. "Thanks, mam. Just doing my best." 

"That's the most important thing. You're changing lives, Tasha.", my dad says.

I hold back tears as I look up at him and say, "That means a lot, Da."

🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

Gabrielle and I sit on the steps of the hospital, me with a cigarette in my fingers.

"Haven't seen you with one of those for a while.", she says.

"Stress, Gabby, stress. Snuck out for one last night as well." I inhale and exhale. "Everyone in that waiting room thinks I'm so strong and bulletproof, that I'm so wise, that I'm this and I'm that, but I'm not. It's all a coping mechanism. Somedays, it still feels like I'm drowning, but its somehow easier to get to the surface now. It's more getting into difficulty now. But since yesterday morning, I'm finding it harder to get to the surface."

"Tasha, is everything ok? I mean, besides the dreams and Gemma, is everything alright? You can tell me anything. Good and bad."

I take another drag from the cigarette. "I think I set off Gemma. We were both upset at that moment and we both did things we shouldn't have. Difference is, my mistake almost cost a life. An important, amazing life of an important, amazing friend. I should've listened to her, instead I just walked away. I even shouted at her a bit before I did. None of this would've happened if I had waited for you and not went to her."

"You mean, we wouldn't have had sex."

I smirk up at her. "Well, I was in the mood for it yesterday even before all the shit happened." She smirks back at me. "I mean, Gemma wouldn't have tried to kill herself. I wouldn't have blacked out for 4 hours. Your first time could've been better."

"Are you kidding me? It couldn't have been any better than that. It was with someone I love with every inch of me and I don't think it could be any better than that. I could've had it with a 5th year at a disco and gotten a surprise 9 months later."

I burst out laughing. She smiles at me. "You know you're going into fifth year in a few weeks, right?"

"I'm 13 in this scenario, Natasha."

"Shit, that's dark stuff." She smiles as I throw the cigarette butt on the steps.

"But, seriously, Tasha, you shouldn't beat yourself up over this. It's not healthy. And I know you won't want to hear this, but if you keep that up, you could be back where you were last year. I never want to feel the horror of seeing my pride and joy try to end her amazing, worthwhile life. This wasn't your fault. You have to realise that, Tash. Gemma is going to be ok."

"But what if shes not, Gabby? After we talked, she just went back to sleep. Almost as if she died on the spot. I burst into tears. I thought she was gone, Gabby. If I caused that-"

"You didn't. You need to stop putting all this weight on yourself. You're in shock, and you made a mistake before this happened, but it's not your fault. Your mind is gone into overdrive a little bit. You'll be ok though. Once Gemmas out of here, you'll feel better. Please don't lose yourself to this shock though. I'm here for you every step of the way, Tash. You'll never lose me, love. I promise." She puts her hand around my neck and pulls me in for a kiss. I melt into it and it makes me realise that I've been indeed, overthinking. When she pulls back, she asks, "You OK, now, T?"

I smile at her and say, "I'm a bit better, yeah."

"That's my girl." She ruffles my hair and I smile at the girl who saved me this time around.