COUNTRY GIRL - The 7th summer

Chapter 30 - Haz

// Back in the morning //

I wake up still smiling from yesterday's evening with Kitty. It was better than I thought it would be, considering it was a first for both of us. We fell asleep in each other's arms and I almost didn't made it back for dinner!

I just have to close my eyes to see her face again, her body...She was all shy at first so we kept the room in the dark but I could see her a little. I felt her too...and tasted her. I'd like to think I did good, or at least not too bad.

My phone rings. It's my mum...I leave the bedroom not to wake Tom and I pick up, shaking these images away.

She asks about random things, like she's just checking on me, but I can tell she wants to tell me something I'm not gonna like.

-- Listen, your Dad changed his plans and I'm going to pick up Charlotte after her summer camp...You might need to come home earlier than-

-- What do you mean earlier, I interrupt her.

-- Well if you can come home this weekend like Char, we can go to-

-- This week end?! But it's in 2 days!

-- I know sweety. I know you like it there but we have a nice opportunity to go visit your uncle and...

I don't listen to her. All I can think about is that I won't be with Kitty. She's gonna hate it. I hate it! 2 fucking days?!

And I still haven't figure out how I'm gonna deal with the long distance relationship. Fuck I don't even know if I want that. Why does it have to get so complicated?!

-- Okay?, says my mum.

-- Hm.

I don't know what she said but I don't really care.

-- I'll call Nikky then. She'll pick you up with Tom.

-- Hm.

How am I going to tell that to Kitty?

-- See you on saturday?

-- Yeah...

-- And say hi to Amelia and Tom for me.

I'm so fucked up!

When I go back to the bedroom, Tom is sitting on his bunk bed. Should I tell him now? No, I need to figure out what I'm gonna do with Kitty first.

I manage to get him to just hang out with me in the garden. He doesn't ask questions but I see him looking at me sometimes, like he tries to read me. Once or twice I almost tell him. Cause he might be able to help me sort it out? But I don't and eventually, I put it aside in my head and try just enjoying our man to man afternoon.

When he throws at me the straw he was drinking his juice with, I get a bit over myself and...Yeah, we start a food fight! But laughing sooth my mind and it feels good to be like that with Tom again.

But then Kitty shows up...

I force myself to act stupid with her, just to be sure she doesn't get suspicious. I chase after her, making her laugh and scream. This what we are, this is what we do. Why do I feel like this is slipping away from me?

I try not to get pissed when she bumps into Tom and ends up in his arm. And when we all go to wash ourselves in the bathroom I make sure we get some alone time, she and I.

I kiss her softly, stroking her hair. My feelings are so mixed up I don't know what I want, I don't know what I feel...I mean I love her. Or I think I do? We've known each other for so long, how couldn't I? And I love kissing her. Damn I love that she was my first and that I was hers!

But I also know her so well that I think deep down I know that we wouldn't last as a couple? We have so different lifestyle and visions of the future...And what pisses me the most is that she would probably end up being the one making all the compromises...

Maybe our love is not supposed to be...like romantic or whatever? Fuck I hate having to analyse everything!

-- I love you, she whispers as we break apart.

She locks eyes with me and I panic. She wants an answer but I don't know if I have it!

-- I...I don't know if I love you that way, I blurt out.

Fuck. This was a bad idea! Would it be better to just say "me too" even tho I might be lying?! That's what I would have done last year but...it feels wrong to lie about that...

She stares at me with wide eyes. I try to find something to say, to explain myself, but my mind goes blank. I just stand there stupidly as she takes a step back. When I finally talk, I just make it worst!

-- My Mum wants me to come home with Tom on Saturday.

I don't even know why I said that! I should have try to sugarcoat it at least! I try to catch her arm but she steps away and storm outside. But I saw it. I her eyes. I saw the pain and betrayal...

Fuck!