crowded thoughts

what's love

water me - cri

"I'm constantly being told that love is something that comes from within, that it's something you know right off from the bat. They say it's in your stomach, bubbling when you're with that certain person. It feels right when you're with them, even if you're not one hundred percent sure that you love them entirely. That doesn't make sense, which causes me to disagree. I disagree because I thought I loved you. I felt it rumble in my body from the way you touched me, the way you said certain words, and the way you looked when you were focused on something like your phone. I knew I loved you because I felt it, like how everyone said. I just knew I did, but that's wrong because I never actually loved you," she stops for a second and lets out a breath.
"What changed?" He quietly mumbles, his fingers playing with the switches on his watch.
"Nothing," she replies, "I just realized that what I felt for you wasn't love, but built up tension. I liked the way you touched me, like you actually couldn't keep your hands off me. I liked the way you called me silly or the word cute because it showed how silly and cute you were. And I liked how just in-tune you were with yourself when you didn't know I was looking. I—"
"How can you say that's not love, then?" He abruptly asks her. She shakes her head and lifts up her shoulders.
"Love's not one-sided. It's not something that you feel when you touch someone, or look at someone, or even listen to someone, but it's unnecessary things. It's the friendship, it's the unknown, it's the need, and it's the subtle respect between two individuals. Love does not appear magically, and it's not something that is just there. It's the connection felt between people who share things in common. It's the sound of laughter, crying, yelling, and even quietness. It's the silly things that make both individuals look at one another with solitude and ease. It's not just about the romance, but about the friendship that is built before everything else. You have to find that love before you can actually love someone— something that you and I never had," she finally explains.
"I wanted all of that," he tells her, gulping down a breath. She nods her head and glances down at her lap, and then back up to him.
"Yeah," she mumbles, "you wanted that. You liked the touching, and I did, too, I promise, but that's all you wanted. You never noticed what I looked like when I thought you weren't paying attention. You never even wanted to hear my likes or dislikes. I don't know everything, but I do know that what we had was one-sided in two separate ways."
"In what two different ways?"
"I wanted a relationship, and you wanted to fuck me, so," she swallows a sigh and stands up. "It sucks wanting to be wanted, because I shouldn't want to be wanted, I should already be wanted. You're not a good boyfriend or person, and I'm sorry that I'm breaking up with you, but you saying this is love is a lie, and I'm tired of people telling me that this is what I should expect when going into another relationship, because it's not."

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