crowded thoughts

loneliness blog

loneliness

I hate the thought of being alone for the rest of my life. It's hard for me to find myself being comfortable around someone other than my family or my close friends. It's hard for me to meet new people without giving off a bad vibe. It's hard for me to talk to someone, especially men, and I think that's what terrifies me the most— especially since the only guy I was most comfortable around didn't even want me back.
I know a lot of people relate to me, just not people in real life. I've lost my first kiss, I've had my first boyfriend, and I've lost my virginity, but that's not the same thing as actually being in love with someone who reciprocates those feelings. I've loved someone, truly, but I wasn't in relationship with them, and they certainly didn't like me back. I just feel so alone in this because I crave for affection, but I know I will never get it. It's like I'm chasing after something that I'm never going to get, you know?
And I'm jealous. I'm jealous of all the girls who get good men and get to be happy with someone. I want that, and I envy them because I will never get it. I know this, I do. I'm going to grow old and alone, maybe have a couple pets, and sit in my lonely house, writing stories of what could have been. I want to get engaged, go on adventures with someone, have children, and live the rest of my life with someone other than a friend or family member.
To all the people telling me to let go, to just focus on myself for once— do you not realize that's what I've been doing these past years? I've been in a relationship with one boy, had sex with one man, and that's it. I've grown to love myself, who I am, and what I stand for. I know what it's like to be alone, and it sucks. You will never understand how I feel unless you're in the same position as me, so stop telling me to enjoy my time by myself. I have enjoyed it, I'm just getting bored of it.