crowded thoughts

practice blog

my first love

Sit down, put some earbuds in, play your favorite sad music playlist, wrap yourself up in a blanket, and take a moment to reflect with me. Do you remember your first love? Maybe it wasn't someone you were actually in a relationship with, maybe it was someone you longed for, maybe it was your first boyfriend, or maybe you haven't even had your first love yet. However, still take a moment with me and try and understand the feeling of your first love. Now take a deep breath.
Love sucks. It really does. It's something that happens all too quickly and never fully goes away. It's buried deep inside of you, a feeling that you can never explain unless someone has felt it, too. I'll try to explain it, but I'm not sure if you'll understand.
This feeling, it's not something you expect. It's not something you've ever get before, either. It starts in your toes and makes it's way through your body and up to the top of your head. You feel almost buzzed when you think of this person. They mean everything to you, and the thought of them makes you want to cry in happiness. You ache. You're body aches. Your mind aches. Your heart aches. You're in a pain that you can't explain because it doesn't hurt in a bad way. You want this feeling to go away because it drains you, but without it, you lose the person you're in love with.
That's the feeling.
Now that you kind of understand how I feel about the first person I was ever in love with, let me tell you about it.
I met him at my old waitress job on a sunny, August morning in 2019. I stepped into the building, and as soon as I did, I saw my mom and him. I remember him looking over at me with the goofiest smile I had ever seen. He was wearing this black cut off shirt with my high schools volleyball team name on it and a pair of khaki shorts (my favorite outfit on him). I smiled at him and as I was walking by, he asked me, "Are you the twin who likes black boys?" And I replied back, "No, I'm the twin who likes any kind of boy."
That was our first conversation, and I remember vividly because the look on his face after I said that made me melt. He looked like he wanted me, and I realized that I had said the right thing. After that, we became really good friends. We would flirt and pick on each other constantly. I would give him and his best friend rides to his house, and one time, the day after his birthday, he invited me into his house.
I remember this day too— what am I saying? I remember everything so clear because, to this day, I am still in love with him. Anyway, we were being real flirty with each other, a different kind of flirting. I did this thing where I put myself in the friend zone with him. I joked with him and said something like, "If we weren't friends, I'd totally let you fuck me in the backseat of my car right now."
This made him go red. Keep in mind, I was 18 (about to be 19) and he was 26 at the time. I remember him grabbing my hand and pulling me into his bedroom. I was a virgin, he knew this, and I knew I wasn't ready to have sex with him, but the thought of it made us both want each other in a way. It was something we both wanted but knew we couldn't have for some reason. He then asked me to take him to him and his friend to a Virginia Tech game, and I told him that I would do anything for my "gal friend."
It stayed like this for a while. We became really close friends from September to December. He would call me and tell me about his day or text me asking me what I was doing. It made me happy to know that he wanted to talk to me. He was well known around town, and I grew up knowing about him and his family. They were all everyone talked about in town, and the thought that he wanted to talk me made me happy.
And then December 27th came. I hate this day with my very core. It was a day I should've been happy about, but I...things happened that made me regret ever meeting this boy. It was the day we had our first kiss. I was helping him clean his room after Christmas. I made him decorate it and he wanted to keep the Christmas tree I put in his room, but he wanted everything else in his room cleaned. I knew what he wanted from this because I wanted it, too. He kissed my neck first and then he went up. He bit my ear and then kissed my cheek and finally, he kissed my lips. I kissed him back, the moment almost feeling surreal, and then he pushed me down on to his bed. He started moving his hips into and running his hand up my leg, and then I reluctantly moved away from him and went back to cleaning his room.
I regret this. I regret not doing anything with him on this day, but I couldn't. I couldn't because I was on my period, and I didn't want to tell him that. So, instead, I pushed him off of me and pretended like nothing happened. And then I overreacted the days after this and it ruined our friendship for a while. We hardly spoke to each other, and when we did, it was awkward, so awkward.
I remember crying so much because I realized how exactly I felt about him...I realized how much he meant to me and to my heart. I tried to get over him by hooking up with this guy I went to high school with at a New Years party, but I felt too bad and called the boy right after, just to hear his voice. (I found out he hooked up with someone else, too, right before I called him. I always thought it was weird that we were both wanting to forget each other for a night, yet, I ruined it like I always ruined everything, it felt).
When February hit, everything started to finally go back to normal. We started hanging out again and going over places. He started calling me and texting me. It felt good, we felt good. And I remember the 25th like it was yesterday. It was a Tuesday, and I woke up in an oddly good mood for my 8am French class. I went to my two classes that day super excited, and I even took some pictures of myself. I'll insert one: