crowded thoughts

claire's diets

dieting Claire

I don't need a man to tell me that I don't need to workout because I'm already fit. I don't need a man to tell me that I don't need to eat healthy or to diet because I already have a nice enough body. I don't need a man to tell me to keep my current body because I'm already thick. I don't need a man to validate me. What I need is to feel pretty for myself, and to be honest, I don't feel very pretty.

•|•

My name is Susan Claire Wheeler. I go by either Sue or Claire, but mainly Claire. The only people who call me Sue are my parents, grandparents, and professors. Do I like my name? Sure. It's okay. It's not a bad name. Wheeler is pretty funny to have as a last name, especially when people say, "Looks like we got to Wheel-her away," after I eat. They only say because I'm fat, and I know that, but they like to pretend I don't.
I'm not stupid. I get it. I'm overweight. I have the body of somebody who shouldn't eat for a decade. I'm not super fat, but I am aware of how much weight I've gained. I'm gonna change that blah blah blah.

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Claire : Half Vietnamese, half American. Weighs 230, 5'3, is 20, and has the goal to weigh 140.

•|•

"I ruined my diet," I say, groaning as I hang my head in slight sorrow. Darren sends me a weird look. "What?"
"How'd you ruin it?" He asks, raising an eyebrow at me.
"Well, Darren, I didn't have any real food in my dorm, so I had to compromise, and I ate everything," I reply, causing him to let out a laugh.

•|•

    "Look, mẹ, come on, I'm not doing anything wrong—"

•|•

"Do you still even love me?" I ask, feeling my throat begin to tighten. I know I look weak and hurt, but that's kind of the point. I want him to know how bad I am in pain because of his idiocy to lie and pretend.
"What do you mean?" He asks, his eyes pointed at the ground.
"It's a simple yes or no question. Do you still love me?" I repeat, my stomach churning. He doesn't say anything, and so I know his answer. "This is hard for me, you know that right?" He finally looks up. "I know why you don't love me anymore. It's because you think I've changed since a lost weight." A moment goes by as I give him the opportunity to speak.
"Do you think you've changed?" He simply inquires with a tilt of his head.
"Yes," I tell him, "Yes, I've changed. My hair isn't long anymore, my body has gotten smaller, I've gotten a few tattoos, and I even have a new scar on my finger, but that's it. My personality hasn't changed. My needs, my wants, my cravings— they are all the same. My being, my soul, it hasn't changed because I'm not a different person. But you think I am because I look different, and so I get it. I get why you don't love me anymore."
"You do?" He doesn't sound like the boy I fell in love with.
"I do," I reply with a soft smile. "But what I don't understand is why you say you go after personality instead of looks because clearly, you were never in love with me for me."

•|•

"I can't do anything right, can I? I mean, I'm either too fat and eat too much, or I'm getting to thin and I'm starving myself. Like, what do you want me to do? Not be a person?"

•|•

     You know, I had thought I was never going to meet anyone after Darren. I mean, the guy loved me with his whole heart. I knew I wasn't going to find anyone like him ever. And then college came, and I had my dorm room door wide open for only a few minutes, and in comes Hayden.
      "Hey," he had said, "I just wanted to let you know that I'm your next door neighbor."
      When I tell you I felt dizzy, I felt dizzy. Only because I never thought someone would actually come to my dorm, better yet a good looking man. But there he was, standing there in his maroon Hokies shirt, holding up a thumb.

•|•

      Hayden makes  me feel safe. He makes me feel like a person. I have never felt like this before, and honestly, it's scary.

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