In Time

BAD DAYS

A bad day. This is gonna be a really, really bad day.

That statement is based upon my current situation that has me puking my guts out in the toilet for the past 5 minutes. This could not have hit me at the worst of timings. Its's a school night, for god's sake. Or morning, considering it's 3 am currently. 

So what happened is that i spiraled down, well not really by choice, I don't even know what triggered that goddamn nightmare. Just the thought of it chills my heart. Anyways, I had a nightmare, one of the really bad ones that I've had in a while. And right now my stomach is empty and aching with all the workout yet my eyes are filling up with tears. And so i get up , and wash my mouth. God I look awful. 

Trudging my way to my bed, i crawl under the covers, and i cry. i cry my heart out, and as soon as my tears stop i can feel it. I can feel the numbness spreading. Amidst the slowing sound of my sobs, I hear it, the deafening silence spreading through me. And I know this is wrong, I shouldn't allow the darkness to spread any further, But i'm tired. I'm just so tired right now. I don't have it in me to fight off the demons consuming me. And so i allow the calm to settle over, and the void within me to grow back to it's former self.

I close my eyes, and the next second when I open them, I know the look in my eyes without having to see. They must be completely flat and so very dead. I know it's most likely temporary, and will pass later on, but right now i can feel myself revert back to the shell of myself. I can feel my walls rising, and encasing me and I don't fight it. Because I'm too tired, and because right now within these self built walls, It is the only place I feel safe and protected.

So i close my eyes once more, forcing myself to relax, waiting for 6 am to arrive, knowing till then I'm stuck with my ghosts, because sleep isn't coming to me anytime soon.

Today is gonna be a bad, bad day. And i wished it wasn't so.

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It's 6, I've just gotten out of bed and i figured out the reason for my bad day and night. Apparently I forgot the date. It's that month, and precisely 3 weeks before my birthday. So my subconsciousness decided it was time to pull this shit on me, should've expected it. It caught me so off guard, maybe that's why the trigger was much more intense and the wound much more large.

With a death like appearance i made my way down and as fast as i could, i made pancakes and coffee, mine being much stronger because i needed to jog my brain even though coffee could do little to clear up the haze clouding my mind. I covered the food by 6:25 and escaped upstairs for  a shower before mom saw me. I had manged to avoid her this morning too by hiding under my sheets, but i couldn't avoid her downstairs.

I made quick work in the bathroom, not really putting much effort into any of it. Coming out i looked at the closet and found myself some ripped black jeans and an over-sized red hoodie. First day of school be damned, i wasn't in any mood to play dress-up. Tying up my black strands into a messy bun, I put on my sneakers, got my bag and crawled downstairs, which was too much of an effort right now.

''What's wrong?'' a voice called out startling me, making me nearly slip on the last step.

''You haven't left yet.'' i observed. watching my mom, yet not meeting her face. Dammit she wasn't supposed to be here, it's 6:50. Is it really too much to ask for a little space. I would pull myself together my tonight, but just not right now, she can't see me like this.

''Valencia, look at me. What is wrong.?'' She asked again. and unknowingly, out of habit i guess, i looked over at her. The minute I did I could hear her Gasp. Her hands covered her mouth, and she had the same concerned and terrified eyes, that i saw daily on her face not too long ago. She must have seen my eyes and i knew she was terrified. I would be too if i was her. On days like these when i shut myself out, my eyes were the most scariest, because they were hollow. You couldn't see anything in them, it was as if i couldn't see anything through them, which wasn't wrong because right now the world was a little distorted and bland to me. Nothing really mattered, and so really nothing was worth seeing.

''Oh God no. Please not again. Val, love, just....'' She trailed off, not knowing what to say, how to say. I could see the tears in her eyes and I felt a stab of pain in my chest. Too light, but that was something, the only thing that I felt. However I could not bring myself to reassure or console her. Right now I simply wanted to run away, but I could not leave her hanging and so i had to say something.

''Just for today'' I said.

''What?'' she choked out through her haze of tears and concern, in confusion.

''Just for today, let me be. I'm not relapsing, I promise.'' I told her with a strong yet bland voice. ''But right now my heart is too weak, so let it be, allow me just today to heal. Please mom.'' I said my voice dwindling down to a whisper by the end of it. I don't know what vulnerability she heard in my voice but she nodded her head. And then I was out of the house like a lightning bolt. Too much, Just too much. I wanted to break down all over again but I couldn't so i sat in my car, a beat up old birthday gift i gave to myself for convenience. Wasn't gonna burden anyone for my needs. I drove to school, the numbness coming back full force again. By the time I reached school, I was completely hollow from within.

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The school building was like any other, the Red brick structure only slightly different form other schools, having a uniqueness to it. It was A very old building, renovated obviously, but it still had an air of history about it. Not that I was in much of a mood to admire it, or the lush landscape of the school ground doused in green and browns.

I made my way to the reception, keeping my eyes down and got my schedule. i was  a pretty smart person so most of my classes were advanced. I also took art and literature as optional.

The school bell rang and i mad my way to English Literature, my first class. I really didn't want to be at school today. 
I wasn't bad with directions so  I easily found my class and found a seat at the back while others entered and settled in. i was taking out a book to read when suddenly a shadow loomed over me. I didn't look up though, only slightly moved my head up, a silent question to what was wrong. The silence in the class didn't go unnoticed by me however i was too unbothered to give a damn.

''You're in my seat'' A deep husky, male voice called out, belonging to the shadow above me.

''Sorry'' i mumbled out, already getting up.'' you know an empty seat?'' I asked him gathering my stuff still not looking at anything, my voice flat.

''Beside me.'' he replied, to which i nodded as thanks and swiftly moved to the side allowing him to settle in his own place.

I continued to take out and read John Green's 'Turtles all the way down'. I was at the part where the title of the book came into play when the teacher entered the class. Mr Snow was his name if i remembered right. I observed his profile, he was probably in his mid thirties. Pretty handsome and looked friendly enough judging by the smile lines beside is eyes.

And because he seemed friendly enough I was hoping he wouldn't single me out as the new student and ask me to introduce myself. i was let down.

He gazed directly at me.'' Ah we have a new student starting today, would you mind introducing yourself?'' he asked more like stated to me.

''I would mind'' I mumbled under my breath, however the shadow dude beside me must've heard it because I could feel his gaze on me.

Still as much as i didn't want to, I stood up and walked to the front of the class. I wasn't one to back down. However now i couldn't avoid looking at people. It's kinda rude and not exactly easy to do. And down goes my first impression. I would probably care later, but right now i couldn't give two flying shits.

''Valencia Cleo Ainsley. Just moved here, so i've started late. Hi, i guess.'' I said in a monotone voice. But besides that I could feel all eyes on me as I stared at my classmates. Someone looking at me with wide eyes, some with concern and others as if I was a weird alien or something. Their stares were pissing me off, I really wanted to snap at them. '' Don't look at me as if I've grown 2 heads. I know I probably look like death incarnate or an emotionless doll but really I'm just having a bad day. Show a little consideration would you, stop staring.'' I said, the last part a bit more forcefully. next thing, they all had averted there gazes. I took that as my chance to leave and take my own seat.

It was a minute before Mr snow said something. '' Uhm... so moving on, today I'll be giving you new assignments, you simply have to write a short prose, hardly a page and in the next class i want you all to present it and delve deeper into it's meaning, you've got time till next class so get to work. chop, chop.'' He said clapping his hands in a hurried excited motion.

And that was that, Some people started working, some started chatting among themselves. I simply picked up my book and started reading again. I was too much of a wreck to come up with something good besides I had time to do it at home.

Although I couldn't get far in my book. The dude beside me was burning holes through me for the past 30 minutes and i've just had it. ''Would you stop staring at me?!'' I finally burst out loud.

The chatter around me quietened as i turned my gaze to the boy sitting beside me, who was also very handsome might I add, but right now his looks be damned, he was irritating me. 

Realizing my irrationally raised voice due to my inner turmoil I leaned back a bit and mumble out a sorry. ''Sorry for that, but just please stop staring at me it's quite uncomfortable'' I said in a much calmer voice.

He looked at me a second longer before saying '' Sorry, my bad'' giving me a nod of apology and acknowledgment. with that he turned his head away.

I breathed a sigh of relief, glad he was understanding and relieved that nothing blew out of proportion.

After that things flowed smoothly and by the time I finished my chapter the bell rang.

I waited for the class to clear out before making my way out, before I was stopped with a tap to my shoulder. I turned around to look at the same guy from before. And it stuck me again how beautiful he was. He had dark chocolaty brown hair, and a tall, slender muscular built of about 6'2. But it wasn't his physique or hair that caught my eye so much. It was his eyes. one of his eyes was a vibrant blue and the other was quarter blue and the rest a hazel brown. His mismatched eyes really were so mesmerizing and beautiful.

While I subtly looked him over, he rubbed the back of his neck, as a sign of embarrassment i guess, and tried to figure out what to say. After a moment he finally did. ''sorry about the whole staring thing, I didn't mean to make you so uncomfortable, i was kind of doing it subconciously, I'm sorry for that.''

'' Chill dude, it's fine. I can see how uncomfortable and awkward this is for you so forget it.'' I said waving my hand dismissively.

''I'm Ezra Noel Foster.'' he said introducing himself.

''And you already know me.'' I introduced myself back, not really though.

''Anyway, I'll see you later'' And with that he was gone.

That was weird. And I didn't think based on his looks that he was the type to apologize or anything. Well looks are deceiving so who am I to judge. But I could tell that he didn't apologize much and wan't really the talkative type seeing as how he was so awkward. But him doing that was sweet. Though It was weird, Him apologizing so sincerely for simply blatantly staring at me. Maybe he thought i was extremely mad or something, but that really shouldn't have mattered to him. That reaction was really weird. He was weird, but sweet. And with that thought I made my way out of the classroom. 

This was a bad day, but I was beginning to get distracted, and so i'm hoping that by the end of the day this won't be that bad of a day after all. There's still a few hours of school left after all.

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MISTY,
So another chappie. My longest one till now.
I know it got a little dark and serious, but this switch up is gonna continue as I warned you so bare with it.

Ps. i think my fingers are gonna fall off. But it was fun to write.

In regards to my fingers , and exhausted brain please vote.