In Time

LIGHTS OUT

So I've been lying on my bed since 2 pm, which was about the time that I completed my collage and began leaking from my eyes. Currently it is 6:00 pm and my eyes are raw and aching. I admit, I made a bad decision with deciding to make the collage.

I feel like I ended up falling a little, and I promised myself that, that's something I wouldn't do. I feel like I let myself down this time.

The pictures bring back too many memories and for the past four hours I've been visiting them, hoping that if I allow it to pass without any resistance, it won't hurt as much, but it does. Like I'm not resisting, I'm not denying anything that happened, so can't my brain decrease the torture levels slightly. The night is already gonna be too dark, I would at least appreciate my day to be a little brighter, if not completely illuminated.

However such was not the case for the past hours and there is no point in me wishing for it now when it is already time for nature to put it's lights out.

AH! That reminds me, its already this late. Ssince my mom just started her work and she also shifted here, for this week or so she's allowed an early leave, so she should be coming home by 7:00. In about fifteen minutes.......

I need to get my shit together ASAP! She, under no circumstances, can see me as this mess. I can't arouse any suspicions to me. She'd jump to the conclusion that I'm getting worse, which isn't exactly wrong, but this was just a slip. It'll pass by morning. 

Demons haunting me be damned, she's the priority right now. I need a plan right now. 
Okay so, I get up to wash my blotchy face, and cool down my eyes. Next I open Netflix and put on a sad movie.......
 That's it i'm done. I legit cannot come up with anything more.......?Wow
Well at least I have some reason as to why I was crying. She knows I'm weak for sad movies.

BZzzzzz. The door bell rings. The bear is here.

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''Welcome home, your majesty.'' I say while bowing dramatically. ''How has the day served your highness.''

''My threat of the heel still stands.'' she says while taking off said heel. ''Are you by any chance interested to take me up on it, peasant?'' She questions playing along.

''Yeah, no.'' I decline. That joke ain't funny.

With that she passes by me and flops down on the couch. Folds up the bottoms of her slacks and unbuttons the first button of her shirt. Well she looks comfy. But I don't think i'm gonna be comfy for long.

''So mind telling me why you were bawling for the past few hours?'' She interrogates while folding up her sleeves.

''Pssht, no. I wasn't crying for a few hours, it was only one hour. I watched a sad movie on Netflix. ha ha.'' I knew this was gonna get uncomfortable. Be wrong for once, me.

''Valencia. I'm not an idiot. Either you tell me the real reason or I really will throw that heel at you'' She threatened.

She was serious. She knew something was wrong. How she always did. And I had no choice but to confide because one, she wouldn't let this go, and two, I'm scared of the heel. Very much so. Now to lay it down gently I need to be careful with my words.

''Um so I- I made this, t-his Collage of all-'' I am not allowed to complete my sentence because she cuts me off.
''You put up all the photographs didn't you?''

''Yes.'' I accept, guilt creeping in.

''Why did you do that, love?'' Her voice softens.

And I tear up. because I can't hold it in again. Why? That is the question isn't it. Why willingly put yourself through agony? Why beat yourself up? I don't know for sure. But it's probably because I believe that if I look at those pictures long enough, maybe I'll find closure. Maybe I could forgive them and myself. Maybe if I kept them pasted on the wall long enough, I would be able to remove them from my heart. I made that collage in hopes that someday, I can look at them and not feel anything. That someday looking at them wont make a difference anymore.

''Because I hope that by keeping them close to me yet so far out of reach, will teach me how to let them go. I did it so that I can completely accept and find strength in the black hole within me.'' I reply, smiling through my tears.

It is a choice. A terrible one. But I hope in the long run it works out. I'm willing to gamble on it. I'm willing to let all those ghosts haunt me, to hollow me out once and for all so that I can accept is just as fast, and move on with it.

''i'm sorry my love that you have become so accepting of this loneliness. I'm sorry I couldn't do more.'' She says so apologetically, in a whisper. And I hate it. I hate it that she is taking the blame, that's why I didn't wanna tell her.

''It's not your fault, Mom. Not everything can be controlled by you. You can only do so much, and you've done more than enough. Some people, you just can't save. And I have not fallen so completely. There is still hope. And if so, then I hope you know, that I will save my soul to the best of my ability. Don't worry.''

And she looks at me proud, yet troubled because she is a mother, and she knows her daughter carries a huge burden. However, she too carries her own fair share and so I feel the need to ease her mind.

'' Have a little faith in me mommy dearest. And if I do fall down, I'm pretty sure that damn heel of yours is long enough to pull me out.'' I try to lighten it up, and kiss her forehead.

''I named you right. You really are brave and strong. I do love you so much.'' She kisses my on my forehead in return.

'' Yeah I'm utterly lovable. Now move woman, I need to make dinner and you need to wash up. Plus hurry, Shadowhunters is gonna be on, I need to make sure my two babies stay together. Hurry Hurry.'' I say while pushing her upstairs.

''I'm leaving, you pushy person. Fine.'' she calls out moving up.

I'm exhausted. =Dinner is still left. I'm gonna be lazy and whip up some fried rice. A good enough meal. I approve of my quick thinking. Good job.

Though on a serious note, in all honesty, Even though it's time for lights out, when all demons come out, for now I think my demons are at bay. They've settled for now , maybe not for the whole night, but for now.

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-Misty
So Valencia is probably gonna switch between a serious, deep character to a weirdo from time to time, so please understand. That's part of Her character and it's development.
CHEERS to another feat.