In Time

COUNTING HEARTBEATS

''Pass me that scalpel.''

''What's that?''

Sigh ''The knife looking sharp thing.''

''Also hand me the magnifier.''

Pause

''The magnifier Felicity.''

Pause
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.
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SLAM!
''Stop playing detective with the fucking equipment and help me out over here'' Felix snaps, while slamming his hand on the table .

To be honest I knew that was coming. 

Currently we were in biology lab doing dissection, and for the past 20 minutes Felicity has only contributed by annoying Felix with her aloof and dumb antics. The guy was actually wanting to focus on the task, yet she was hell bent on being a distraction. 

I, on the other hand was overlooking the twins with amusement, from the position of a bystander. I was paired with them in a trio since our class had an odd number of students now, however currently the chances of us completing this test seem close to none. Felicity has a single brain cell and isn't much of a help, and since I'm new and not caught up with everything, I'm pretty useless too. Because of these unfortunate circumstances, Felix has to do all the work while also keeping Felicity in check. Tough job but I don't really care that much.

Your sibling, Your problem.

''-continue to hinder my work and I will throw you out the window, I mean it'' Ah he was serious now by the look in his eyes, however the dumb one here continued to  laugh.

''Fine, hehehe, I'll stop'' Yeah, the way she's snickering I'm not sure she will.

But either ways we continue on with the experiment.

Felix was busy doing his thing and currently Felicity had yet again taken up another piece of equipment, the scalpel, and was playing with. I knew she didn't mean to stop.

I don't want another outburst from Felix since the teacher was already glaring at us, so I tap Felicity on the shoulder to ask her to stop, which is a bad decision. Because I end up surprising her, and she abruptly turns around, the scalpel cutting me on my palm in the process. Yep, bad decision.

Blood immediately starts gushing from my hand. The cut wasn't that deep but the blood still pools in my palm. I can hear Felicity apologizing in the background but my eyes are on my hand or more specifically on the blood in it.

And all of a sudden it's not my hand I'm looking at, but the little girls body, with blood smearing her face and pooling beside her, her eyes wide and unseeing, so dead. Because that's what she is, DEAD. Yet all i do is stare. I stare as the blood puddle grows larger, I stare as she stares at me. And it feels as if it's not her but me who has died. In many was, It's the truth.

I snap out of it when somebody shakes me violently. Looking up I realize that it's Felix looking at me worriedly. His lips are moving and he's asking me something but all I hear is the blood rushing to my head, the sirens, the screams and my subconsciousness yelling at me.

Move, Move! Escape! Get out of here! RUN AWAY!

And so I do exactly that. I move my feet and run with all I have. I run through hallways upon hallways, not really seeing anything. Not really feeling anything. Soon enough I'm sliding down a wall of some dark rusty hallway. Yet I don't register my surroundings.

I can only register the oncoming panic attack, and the images, the flashbacks, hounding my brain. STOP IT!Please!.....It Pains...

My breath comes out in gasps, i can feel myself choking as if all that blood was somehow clogging my throat, the smoke filling up my lungs. In the next moment I'm in a dark room with no light, my vision is gone and I scream, I scream, I scream. But there's no one. There's no air. I can't see, I can't breathe. Someone please help me!!

My hands are on my throat forcing, wanting, oxygen in my lungs. To no avail.

''Count your heartbeats. One, Two, Three.''

Dr. Miles said, 'counting heartbeats'. That's what I should do to stop it. To stop the pain.

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

I'm Alive....

So i continue counting my heartbeats, and breathing in and out. A few minutes past, And I can breath properly now. The panic has stopped.

Thank God

Exhausted I crane my head up, it coming in contact with the wall, and I maintain the position while the ache in my chest dulls down. An after affect of the panic attack.

When I'm finally back to myself, I look around. I'm in a most likely abandoned part of the school building, one left behind from it's historical years. Untouched. Holding within it's walls a completely different timeline. Untainted. 

My gaze moves around the chipped walls, the dim lighting, through the dirty floors and comes to land beside me, where I find my hand to still be bleeding.

I immediately look away, as to not trigger anymore, than what already has been.

Taking out my handkerchief from my back pocket, that I always keep on hand, I make a makeshift bandage around the cut in my palm while making a note to visit the infirmary later on.

With that I resume my previous position and close my eyes. The quite and old dusty environment soothing my troubled heart and soul. All of a sudden I feel so old.

Only a few minutes could have passed before my moment of peace is ruined.

''Are you okay now?'' The voice asks me and it's so sudden that I immediately jump up from my position in alarm, a certain panic in my actions that still hasn't completely passed.

My eyes land on a figure hidden by the dim lighting, a few feet far from me. I'm immediately cautious but feel myself relax slightly as the figure comes into view.

It's Ezra. He's here, asking me if I'm okay. Which means he was here when I was not okay.

''How long have you been standing there?'' I ask, already knowing the answer.

''Long before you, so I suppose since the beginning.'' His answers further confirms that he witnessed my breakdown.

Well, fuck my life.

My exhaustion creeping back in, I flop down on the ground, resuming my position by the wall and close my eyes, hoping Ezra would just disappear, but soon enough I feel his presence beside me, and I know this is all too real. I know that he saw my panic attack, which further leads me to believe that he will ask me questions.

But he doesn't. He sits beside me in silence. Further out there somewhere, I hear the bell for the start of last period, yet neither of us makes a move to get up or say something. We sit in the quiet and I appreciate the fact that he doesn't say anything. The silence is not awkward. On the contrary I actually find comfort in it and in the presence of the boy beside me.

Minutes pass or maybe hours, before he asks me again.

'' You okay?''

With a pause in my answer I reply. '' Not really, but I will be.'' Which is weird, because I actually give him an honest answer. What's the point in lying when the guy basically just witnessed all that shit, plus it's obvious nobody recovers from something like that, that fast.

''Mhmm'' he hums, my reply apparently satisfying.

''You won't ask?''

''Would you tell?''

''Not really, No.''

''Then there's no point. Plus I don't have the right question to ask for you're answers. And I'm not someone who deserves to know them either.''

''You're weird. But thanks for not asking.'' He doens't know how much his words touched me. For the first time in my life, someone didn't ask me a why or what, or the reason for why I broke down. He allowed me that moment of weakness knowing it wasn't within his right to invade so much. He was simply here, without any questions or demanding any reasons, and I was so damn grateful for that.

For the first time today i feel my lips turn up into a genuine smile, which was what i give to him as a thank you gift.

I could tell it caught him off guard , by the way his eyes widen slightly but then he turns away copying my position from before, closes his eyes and gives me a ''Mhmm'' in acknowledgment.

I also follow his actions and again the calm silence settles over us.

This time around he breaks the silence again.

''What does the numbers and phrase mean?''

''What?'' I'm confused here.

'' The '1,2,3,4,5 I'm alive' thing you did.''

He's asking about that. I suppose that's an answer that I can offer to him. It's not that big of a deal. So i do.

'' I was counting heartbeats, my heartbeats, telling myself and making sure that I'm alive.'' It's easy being honest with him, which is a first for me and a very weird sensation to have towards someone who I've met only thrice today.

''Does it help?''

''It does.''

''But why do you need to tell yourself that you're alive? I understand why you'd need to count your heartbeats, to gain a sense of calmness and gain control and all that shit. You're sure enough with that action that you're alive. So why tell yourself that fact?''

Now that is a trick question. The first he's asked that is slightly imposing. Yet I feel like I should answer it. The truth is the answer doesn't really tell much, but it's something that is a painful fact about myself. However I feel like I want to tell him, to let someone know, anyone know, why I need to remind myself, to tell myself that i'm alive.

No ones ever asked me this before, and so I'm glad in some way that he has.

I suppose that is why I'm willing to answer him.

''I tell myself that I'm alive, because I often feel that I'm dead even when I'm breathing. I'm alive, it's a chant to tell myself that you are still living, even if i'm having a panic attack, that I'm still alive, that i need to breathe because I need to live. I am breathing. I am alive. It is to snap me out or prevent me from falling into the illusion of death.
I tell myself that I'm alive, that I can't stop breathing yet. Because I haven't earned the right to die, that I don't deserve to die. This way the panic attack stops immediately. However the truth is that my soul is still pretty panicked inside.''

Ah that felt good to get out. It felt good, It feels good. Yet at the same time, i feel worse that i have before.

I say all this with my eyes closed, yet when I'm finished, I can feel his gaze. So I open my eyes to stare back. Yet his gaze is unnerving. He looks at me as if what I've said is complete lunacy yet it makes sense and he's try to figure out why, He's trying to figure me out. 

I look away. I look away when his eyes get more complex, because I feel if I didn't then he really might figure me out. And it scares me, it scares me too much, because i don't want anyone to see the vulnerable me. The ghost that lies withing this vessel of mine.

''Come on, the school bells gonna ring'' With that I stand up and move towards the other side of the hall, his heavy footsteps telling me of his movements as he falls in step beside me. 

Quietly, each lost in our own thoughts we make our way to the renovated hallways and silently part ways with mere nods that say more than words ever could. Mine a nod of thankfulness and his one of acknowledgment, telling me that he accepts my thanks however it wasn't needed.

Making my way to my forgotten biology class, I pick up my bag from the far corner and proceed to make my way to the front gates, the rest of the students having vacated the school already.

I suppose I'll make do with the first aid kit at home, in regards to my injury.

Now sitting in my car I can't help but look back on what I told Ezra. it was such a raw and honest answer, the only answer i could've given to that question. 

I'm frequently counting heartbeats and telling myself I'm alive. I'm alive and I'm supposed to continue living, I have to continue living. It was my sin and so this is my punishment.

------------------------------------------------x

Misty,
Preeeettttyyyy  long while since I updated, but well I was having a writer's block and I didn't wanna upload a half ass chapter, so it took me a while.
But I'll say, this is a pretty satisfying update on my part. Hope you like it. and if you do then plz vote.

Still waiting for more viewers patiently with hope.;;