I Won't Let You Go

Clearing His Feelings

Kian Steve's
We are standing here in the rooftop of a bar. Nagsisinti kasi si Tristan pero masyado pa raw maaga para uminom kaya mamaya nalang kami papasok.

*phone rings*

Napatingin ako sa phone ko.
Kusang ngumiti ng sobrang lawak ang labi ko pagkakita sa pangalan.
I answered it almost excitedly kaya napatingin sa akin si Tristan.

"Yes?"

"I wanted to see you. Where are you?"
Tanung niya sa akin.

"I'm here at the rooftop of Knight walker Bar."

"Okay.. I'll go there now."
Sabi niya at binaba ang tawag.

Ibinulsa ko ang cellphone ko pero hindi mawala ang ngiti sa labi ko.

"Who was it?"
Nagtatakang sabi ni Tristan.

"It's Claude." Sagot ko.

"You like him don't you?" Tanung niya.

Napatingin ako sa kanya sa gulat.
But I smiled, "I guess?"

"I see." Sabi niya.

Huminga ako ng malalim. This is the first time I admitted I like someone without hiding anything. I wonder.. I think I need to clear my feelings.. I need to know kung sino ang mas matimbang sa puso ko.

"Hey Tristan.. I have a confession to make." Sabi ko.

Napatingin siya sa akin.
"Sure."

"During our first year. I wasn't happy in the slightest when you had your first girlfriend. I'm sorry."
Sabi ko.

Napatulala siya, "what?! Why?!"

"I loved you." Pag amin ko. Yeah loved. It's a past tense but I wasn't sure yet.

"He- hey Kian.." Nabubulol na sabi ni Tristan.

Napatawa naman ako ng malakas.
"I really loved you for all this four years. I thought about confessing a lot of times but, when Trisha came, I lost all the courage to do so. You love her and she love you a lot. That's whats important. I thought I was able to keep it into myself until you get married. I thought I'll be the only one who will know the history of my one sided love."

He was listening.
"But you were wrong?" He guessed.

"That's right. There came a person who talked to me twice in two days and confronted me.. Asking if I love you."
Pag kukwento ko.

"He just know you in two days and.. He found out?! While me who was with you for 4 yrs didn't?!" Gulat na sigaw niya.

Napatawa ulit ako.
"Yeah.. And a month ago.. This someone confessed to me.. And told me I don't need to love him back.. As long as I will rely on him and let him make me happy. How sweet isn't it."

"And this guy is Claude." Tanung niya.

Tumango ako.
"And the months you've been friends including this month, made you fell in love with him instead?" He asked.

"I don't know.. So can I ask you a favor?"
Sabi ko.

Tumingin siya sa akin at tumango.
"Can you tell me You love me?"

He stared at me for a while.
He sighed.
"I love you."

I flinched from what he said. But I didn't feel any hint of happiness in my heart. I didn't feel anything.
I sighed, "As I thought.."

Ibang iba kapag si Claude ang nagsasabi. Whenever Claude tell those words to me, I can feel my heart jumping and trembling in happiness. The sincerity and warmth along with the words makes me flush as well.

I looked at Tristan, "Tristan, aren't you surprised? Having your Best friend confess to you like this?"

He spoke, "I was.. I wasn't expecting that.. But it's fine.."

I looked at him as he looked up and took a deep breath.
"You love Claude already right? You're aware of your real feelings already?" Tanung niya.

"Yeah. Thank you" sabi ko.

Hinila niya ako sa kamay.
"Then let's go and console me aswell. I'm feeling down. Kapag iniwan mo ako.. Hindi kita mapapatawad. I'll kill myself and blame it on a best  friend who left his depressed friend alone."

Napailing nalang ako habang hila hila niya ako.
Umorder kaagad si Tristan ng Hard liquor at nagsimulang maglaklak.
I checked my phone kung may text si Claude pero wala.
Akala ko ba pupuntahan niya ako?

An hour later at heto ako pilit pinipigilan si Tristan.
"That's enough already you drunkard!" Sabi ko at hinila palayo ang alak sa kanya.

"Nooo!! Give it back!!" Sigaw niya.
Napatakla ako at binatukan ko siya.
Napatakip siya sa bibig at kumapit sa akin.
Arghh! Putang ina.

Hinila ko siya at dinala sa CR at doon nagsususuka ang gago.
Akala mo kasi kung sinong lasingero makainom eh hindi naman pala kayang sikmurain.
Habang tinatapik ang likod niya ay sinagot ko ang tawag ko.

"Hello?" Sabi ko kasi hindi ko nakita ang caller.

"..kian.. Can you meet me for a while?" It was Claude.

"What? I thought you're coming here? I can't right now." Sabi ko.

"Why? Even just for a bit?" Tanung niya.

"I really can't.. Tristan needs me. I can't leave him here alone." Sabi ko.

He was silent for a moment. Napatingin pa ako sa phone ko kasi akala ko pinatay niya.
"Claude? What about tomorrow hmm?" Tanung ko.

"... No it's okay.. I'll get going then.."
Sabi niya.

"What do you mean? Should I really go see you? I'll just take Tristan home and—"

"No need.. Really.. He needs you.. It's okay.. I'll hang up okay?"
Sabi niya.

Magsasalita sana ako when I heard him sniff. "Kian.. I love you.. Thank you for everything.."

He then hanged up.
I felt my chest tightened immediately. He's crying.. I know.. And the way he said it.. Why does he sound like.. We'll never meet again?

I immediately took Tristan home and hauled him on his room. I dialled Claude's phone for the twentieth time but he's out of reach..
Fuck it! I don't have a good feeling about this..

NEXT MORNING I went to their house.
Nagdoor bell ako ng ilang beses pero walang nagbukas ng gate.
Tinawagan ko silang dalawa ng kapatid niya pero walang sumasagot at out of reach.

Kaya nang sumapit ang monday ay maaga akong nagpunta sa school.
Hinintay ko siya at lahat pero walang dumating na Claude.
Naiinis na ako. Pagkatapos niyang ibaba ang tawag ng umiiyak hindi na siya nagparamdam..
Humanda siya sa akin.