The Boy in the Jersey ✔️

24

Chapter 24

My heart was beating heavy in my chest. I know I needed to do this. I needed to have this conversation with him. Maybe I overreacted when I left his house and didn't talk to him for almost a week. I wasn't sure what was going on in my own head let alone what could possibly be swarming through his.

I push the door open and step inside. Josh has his head back and his eyes shut. An ice pack was wrapped around his shoulder and chest. I could see the beginning of some severe bruising on his shoulder and my heart clenched.

"I just want to be left alone Coach" Josh mumbles

"I can come back later" I say in a low voice

Josh's eyes snap open and he lifts his head to look at me.

"Kelly?" He says with a broken voice.

I step closer to the bed he was in and his eyes followed my every movement.

"W-What are you doing here?" He asked

"I came to see you, I wanted to make sure you were ok. You got hit pretty hard."

Josh's hand twitches like he wanted to reach out and touch me. But he didn't.

"Whe- why did you leave? What did I do? I need to know because I'm going fucking insane." He says as he looks deep into my eyes.

I put my hand on his arm and his body tenses slightly.

"I just needed some space. I needed to think things through."

"What things? What happened? Did I do something that made you uncomfortable? I-"

"You didn't do anything Josh."

"I called you and texted you so many times. I even came by your house."

"I know."

"Why were you ignoring me if I didn't do anything wrong? Why did you make me go through that?"

I felt pressure behind my eyes as I fought the tears. I didn't want to cry. Not again. I wasn't some weak little girl anymore.

Josh studies my face before he wraps his good arm around me and pulls me to him. I nuzzle my face in his chest and take in his soothing scent of pine and spice, with a hint of sweat. He stroked my back gently as I cried into his chest.

"I'm so sorry Josh. I didn't know what to do. He made me doubt you and I'm so sorry."

"He? Who made you doubt?"

I continue to cry into his chest as he tries his best to soothe me.

"Kelly, baby, what happened?"

I pull away from him and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. Josh looks at me with his eyebrows furrowed and his hand rests on my hip.

"Breath baby, and tell me what happened"

"I don't want to" I whisper

"Why not? I want to fix this just please tell me."

I heard the desperation in his voice and I saw the plea in his eyes. He wasn't asking me, he was begging me.

"When you were changing I met your dad."

Immediately his eyes darken and his jaw clenches.

"What did he say to you?"

"He played on all of my insecurities and made me doubt everything that happened between us. I- I was scared Josh. I had let down my walls and I thought that you-"

"Kelly tell me what he said" Josh demands cutting me off.

"He told me you were using me. He said that I wasn't pretty enough for you, and there was no way you could ever like me. You were spending time with me because of who I was. You were using me to get closer to my dad. He said that you and Trina belonged together."

My voice voice had cracked and my eyes were welling up with fresh tears.

"After he said that I just ran. I needed to get away. I needed to think."

When I look back up at Josh his face was pale and he had a guilty look in his eyes. My heart sunk.

"It's true isn't it?" I ask him

"Kelly-"

"Oh my god. I knew it! I knew that you were to good for me. I knew there was no way in hell someone like you could ever like me. God I'm so stupid"

Josh sits up in his seat and reaches out to me.

"Kelly listen to me. Let me explain."

"Don't fucking touch me" I growl at him.

"How could you do this to me? Are you really that heartless? You lied about everything!"

His eyes were pleading with me and I stepped away from him. He tried to get up and follow me.

"Shit" he says clutching his shoulder.

I turn and sprint out the door.

"Kelly Wait!" He shouts after me.

My whole body was numb. I didn't know where I was going or what I was doing I just ran.

"Kelly!" His voice echoed in my head as I ran faster and farther from him.

My heart was shattered and broken. There was no way I could fix it now. I couldn't piece it back together.

I was so numb and broken now. Josh has broken me.

My feet carried me past the field and into the street. I didn't care to look where I was going. A car horn beeped loudly as a pair of headlights shone bright.

I dodged out of the way and threw myself on the sidewalk. My knees and hands burned from the fall but I didn't care. The only pain I could focus on was the one inside me. The burn in my chest. The raw ache I felt deep in my bones.

I needed to stop the pain. I needed it to stop. I look around on the ground for anything sharp I could find. My eyes find a rusty screw. Instinctively my hand reached for it. My eyes were burning. My knees were burning. And the ache inside me deepened by the second.

I roll up my jacket sleeve and put the end of the screw on my vein. This was all I had to do to make the pain go away. I wanted it to stop.

A sob escaped my lips as I threw the screw away and clutched my head with both hands.

I couldn't do it. I promised my dad, I promised my mom, I promised grandma, and I promised Logan.

I'm not going back to that. I can't do that to myself anymore. The burn inside me increased and it was getting to be unbearable. I didn't know what to do. My hands reach for the diamond around my neck.

"I'm so sorry grandma. I can't do it. Please don't leave me. I need you. I'm not strong, I'm not brave, and I'm not smart grandma. Please" I sobbed.

I pull my knees to my chest and bury my face into them.

"Please. I can't do this anymore."

•

Okay so this chapter is really intense. It made me tear up. We're almost to halfway with Josh and Kelly's story! But don't worry this isn't the end of it!
#koshyforever

I just want to say that if anyone if struggling with self harm or suicidal thoughts that my door is always open if you need someone to talk to. Sometimes it's easier telling someone that doesn't know the situation.