I waited {L.S}

1.5

After a few more weeks, I was attempting to get back into a routine that wasn't hiding in my room all day. I finally started eating a tiny bit more, which was more than enough for my mom.

I was starting to sign, mostly to Lottie. She was helping me learn it, pretty much whenever she wasn't at school and was free. It made me feel a little bit more normal. I wasn't just quiet and staring at them, I could at least attempt to ask for things now.

While all of my sisters were at school, I'd help Mom out around the house. She always told me I didn't have to, but I felt obligated. All the girls did something to help, and I was home the most out of them.  It wasn't fair they helped clean up the messes I made.

"Hey, Lou, can I talk to you for a second?" Mom called while I was sitting in the living room quietly. I stood up and walked to the kitchen and I bit my lip. She smiled at me as I got closer. "I know Lottie's been helping you with signing, but what if I maybe got someone else to teach you throughout the day?"

I chewed on my lip for a few seconds. Lottie knows how to teach me, I signed.

"There's other people who know how to help, too. I'm not going to force it or push it on you, but I think it would be great. You'd get to meet someone new, here," she emphasised. "All of it would be here, that way I know you're safe and you'd be more comfortable, right?"

I nodded slowly. Can I try, then stop if I want?

"Yes, we can try it, and if for any reason you don't want to keep doing it, it'll stop." She looked happy that I was willing to try it, which was the only reason I was even trying it. I didn't want to.

I was scared still. I was terrified that at any moment, he was going to come back and rip me away, punishing me for everything I had been doing that he didn't like.

"I'll call my friend, okay? Her son has been teaching sign language for a few years and he's actually the one who helped Lottie learn."

I nodded slowly again. Does he know?

"I can tell him if you want.  His name's Harry, and he has a few tattoos and looks kinda scary at first, but he's just a big soft teddy bear pretty much. I wouldn't even suggest him coming over if I didn't think you were ready for it." She walked over to me and hugged me tightly and I hugged her back, closing my eyes.

About an hour later, I heard another voice in the living room. I got up from my bed and moved to my doorway, pressing myself against it to try to figure out what was going on without leaving my room.

"Yeah, like I said, just be careful. He still gets scared pretty easily."

"I will be. If I survived all of Lottie and Fizzy's breakdowns right after all of it happened, I'm sure I'll be okay with him."

I liked the sound of Harry's voice. I was assuming it was Harry, anyways. I took a deep breath before walking towards their voices, pausing in the hallway right before they could see me.

"I know you will be. I'm just worried about him. I know he's not the same and I shouldn't expect him to be, but I miss my Louis."

I missed the old me too, but I doubted he would ever come back. He did way too much for me to ever consider being normal again. To ever be myself.

I took a step back and balled my fists, taking a deep breath again, but everything emotionally started consuming me. I practically ran back to my room and hid in the closet, suddenly wanting to be alone. I closed the door and shook my head at myself.

I thought I was over the self started panic attacks. I should have been. It had been almost two months of me being gone if I was right. He shouldn't still be stuck in my head.

I tried to take deep breaths like my mom had shown me, but my chest felt like there was a chain that tightened around it every time I attempted to breathe in. I tried forcing air out, but I needed it just as much. Tears formed in my eyes and blurred my vision, and I was stuck between being back at home and back with him.

I looked around the closet and suddenly wondered why I chose a small dark room. I tried finding the handle but couldn't, making me panic even more.

I wanted to scream but couldn't. I almost started hitting the door, but he would come and hurt me. He wanted me quiet. That's why I was in here. He was punishing me again.

I hugged my knees and cried silently, but it was enough to make my body shake. Everything felt too close and cramped. I needed space and room, but I couldn't get it.

After a few more minutes of it all brewing in me, I couldn't take it. I slapped my palm on the door multiple times, trying to draw anyone's attention. Maybe he wouldn't, but one of his friends would open the door. They were nicer, sometimes.

My chest was burning and I just wanted someone. I didn't want to be alone. No one came, though. I stared and stared, hoping someone would, but they never did. I had stopped hitting the door and I was scared to start doing it again.

How badly did I mess up? What did I do? I couldn't even remember, but I wanted out. I wanted someone. I couldn't be alone. I hated being alone.

At some point, my eyes got heavy. I forced myself to curl in a ball and breathe until I wasn't breathing unevenly, and closed my eyes, hoping when I woke up, the door would be open like it was sometimes.