surviving the storm

living within the storm

what if the feeling of emptiness I have, is actually my selfishness? I have a good home, a loving mother and brother, the necessary things, luxury things and so much support and yet, I still have a void, that can never be filled. I hate myself for this, I can never fill full. I know I'm alive, or at least I am. But I am not living, I'm just surviving I feel so dull. I need alcohol and sex just to feel. Feel something, I hate feelings. I wake up feeling blue and fall asleep in a pit of black. I wear a mask of a smile, I laugh out of mere pity, I feel disconnected out of place I do not belong here. Maybe I am selfish, it's not as if I never acknowledged it, it resides within me, like rotten fruit. I can't have it all, but I want it all. If only I was perfect. I wish I could be pretty smart and achiever but I'm none of those things. I am a sad excuse for a human. I just want to go away and not feel anymore. Sangria tastes so good, I feel myself go into a daze. Fake smiles low laughs, I'm falling on the street knees bruised now. Sleeping under stranger sheets I've only just met, letting them control and take over me, not having any respect for myself. Lying to social media pretending I'm not going through the most shitty time in my life. It's funny really I thought it couldn't get worse I used to think my past is rock bottom, now I live with it, it haunts me. Tugging me by my feet, not letting me be able to acquire one gasp of air.