My Hijab,Jake and I.

Chapter Twenty Four/Always have...always will

Jake

I watched her drive off. Damn I enjoyed that encounter...maybe a little to much. I thought it would have been akward as fuck but it felt as if we were back in time. Me getting her all flustered and her rewarding me with her cute blushes. Yep.. Medina Jahan can still get my heart racing. Damn it..I shouldn't feel this way. She seemed more reserved and I don't blame her.

Her barriers are up, mainly because she's another man's wife. That is a bitter pill to swallow but swallow it I must. I have no doubt that the feelings she ignited in me just now are still as powerful as they were six years ago. God, when I had her in my arms it was as if she was meant to be there. It took a lot of will power on my behalf to let her go, Her scent alone drives me mad. That scent brings back so many bittersweet memories. Ahhh ..Stop! I angrily chide myself.

I push off my car with my keys in hand. I am just about to open the door when something catches my eye. I walk up to it and bend down. Picking it up I see that it's a folded paper. I unravel it and turn it over. My breath catches when I see what's on it. It's a postcard that I had sent to Sarina from when I was away, attached to it was a picture of me taken outside one of the schools that I was voluntering at.

Why would Medina have this postcard and picture?.From the way that it was folded and unfolded it looked as if it has been handled many times. I turned the picture over to see the date that I had printed on it and my gut clenched, for there at the bottom in Medina's neat handwriting she had written. ''Jake...always have..always will.''

I couldn't breathe. These are the last few words I spoke to her when we last saw each other.What does this mean? When did she write this? This card was about five years old. Why does she still have it? She's a married woman and she carries this around in her bag which implies that she has it near her at all times. Does she do it so that she can keep it hidden from her husband!

Why carry it in the first place?.. What the hell is she doing to me? What the fuck am I to make of this? Why the hell do I care?.... But damn it..I do care. I fucking hate it that I do. Feelings that I have kept at bay for eight years are resurfacing again.

I fold the postcard and picture back and shove it in my pocket. My heart is beating rapidly. Fucking great just what I need. Six years. Six fucking years we meet again. Time supposed to have diminished these feelings but hell no. Time has done nothing in my favour. Discovering this card and picture has just made me more confused .

They say God works in mysterious ways. I suppose if you had asked me a few years back I would have just scoffed but since I have found a new understanding hence my religious journey I do believe the almighty is telling me something. I think I need to figure this out and the only help I seek is from the one above.

Having a sense of purpose and meaning is so satisfying and comforting. When I had left all those years ago I was so angry and frustrated. I hated myself, the world and especially Medina. I hated that she was so weak and pathetic. That she was sacrificing herself because she couldn't stand up to her parents.

Her beliefs didn't make a difference to me. I thought she was utterly stupid for believing in an ideolgy. Oh how wrong was I ! She wasn't weak, far from it. She was strong and passionate and so devoted. Devoted to her beliefs, her family, her religion and especially to her Saviour. I would never had understood none of this if I had remained. Leaving all those years ago... when I come to think of it now was a blessing in disguise.

My parents were not religious people. So I never thought much of it. We never attend church as a family. The only people I knew who did attend was my grandparents.. Mom's folks and that's was not religiously either. That's why I never understood Medina and her intense love for her religion. Religion was foriegn to me.

The places I have been, the things that I have seen..Some caused my God's acts others caused my humans have changed me. I would question anything and everything. I would question God for committing such heartbreaking acts. The earthquakes in some countries or the famine in others and the human suffering that resulted in it. Why would God want his people to suffer, how come he didn't end and eased it all.

The suffering that was caused by human hands would be worse than God's. The horrible, vile acts committed by such creatures for calling them animals is an insult to animals. The despicable acts were so hard to bear that at times I felt that what was my purpose there. What good was I doing and many others like felt exactly the same. Some would just give up and go home traumatised. I was so close myself many times.

It was only when I saw the complete devotion that some of these people still maintained even after everything they had been through that I finally faced that fact that I was fighting something that was way bigger than me or anything else.

I would never forget my encounter of a local man who was an Imam. He had lost all his family in a bombing incident. His wife and three children. I marvelled at the fact that he could carry on amidst all the heartbreak. A normal man would have given up. Not this man. He said God 's work should never be questioned for he knows best. I told him that how could his loving God be so cruel to take away all he loved. The smile he rewarded me with caused me to look at him in astonishment and awe.

Till this day the Imam and his words are embedded in my mind. He had such a strong sense of love and devotion. He said his faith kept him going. That God is testing him and he hopes that he passes with flying colours for only God can ease the way of his suffering and as long as he had God then he would never feel alone.

He reminded me so much of Medina. I have never in my life came across such a soul and he will forever hold a special place in my heart. Without him I would never have reached this spiritual place where I am right now. I owe him everything.

Maybe one day I can go back and meet him once again. His kind face and his soothing voice invade my dreams and thoughts from time to time and a sense of peace always follow for he set me off, a nudge was all it took and the rest as they say was God's will.

It's definitely God's Will for Medina to have entered my life again. I know it's a test and I hope that I past it. The temptation is great ..the only thing preventing me from seeking her out is my new found faith and also the fact that she is married. Now that's a major deal breaker there.

Oh..life is full of bloody ironies. Meeting the women I love who I couldn't have because of her faith years later now as a man of faith. If she was still single then nothing would have prevented me from making her mine. She would never have refused me for I knew then that her feelings were just as intense as mine.

Finding the picture and card with her sweet declaration has more than confirmed that she loved me all those years ago. The bittersweet pain that sweeps my heart jolts me out of my misery. Damn it I still love her with all my heart. I don't think I'll ever stop loving Medina.

She maybe married and a mother to one of the cutest and brightest kid that I've ever come across but I can't stop my heart. I don't think I can find someone else and settle down just for the sake of it, although it is a sunnah. I'm not ready yet, I don't think I'll ever be.

For I know without a shadow of a doubt that Medina Jahan..she will always be Medina Jahan to me.. (So I sound creepy that's nothing new and you know it)....has spoiled me for other women. No one can take her place and I wouldn't have it any other way. Always and forever means just that. I just hope that my heart can handle seeing her everyday.

Putting on my man Mishary I head off home. Soon enough the foriegn words take over my thoughts and like always I lose myself. It's a brief respite but I'm desperate man and I hang on to it. Until the next time I see her again...of course.

A/N: Salam and hey guys

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