My Personal Virus (A BEN Drowned x Reader fanfic)

A girl & A Million Thoughts

(Bloody Painter)

Time has passed quickly, and I don't like noticing it. Time made me realize things, wonderfull and hurtful things, I was surprised yet upset, it made me feel confused in the most uncomfortable way. I never knew calmness would be attractive, a blank face that can be hiding anything was somewhat exciting, a staring contest would be entertaining. It's strange to find plain things to be amazing in various ways, despite it being wonderfull it made me frustrated. It was all because of one person, one girl, the one that opened my eyes.

[Name]...

Her name ran through my head. It's sad that I never got the moment to get to know her more, I would be glad but still, I was hesitant, I was hesitant to open my mouth whenever I would see her. My mouth wanted to talk so badly whenever she would gaze at me, I don't know exactly what to say but I had the desire to speak even when it's nonsense. I don't believe in magic, but this...this is something powerfull than magic, a force that is unknown to man yet incredibly familiar. It actually took me a long time to notice I was attached to someone I barely know.

Once again I was frozen in my seat, unable to create any artwork, I have been like this for days only to end up creating one portrait; [Name] herself. I couldn't consider myself as obsessed but rather fascinated and very curious, her features reminded me of things I haven't thought before. Mainly it would always be sketches of her face, on some occasions, I would paint her figure, it's...lovely in some way I could not explain. My hands have a mind of its own when it decided to pick up the black pen from nearby, the blank white paper was already resting in front of me, soon my hands drew familiar lines.

I was surprised to see a finished illustration of [Name]'s face laying in front of me, it was always her blank expression staring emotionless at me, despite the eyes being lifeless it made an impression that she was staring at me with interest. It drove me crazy. Quickly I slammed the paper on top of a stack of papers, all of those were also drawings of her. Whatever I am feeling now, it made me feel bipolar. At some certain times, I would be happy at the thought of her then I would get frustrated 'cause she would never leave my mind. I could be thinking of millions of things, but she...she was always there in my head, torturing me softly.

After that failed escape I haven't seen [Name], I was incredibly worried. Maybe she was already dead, it's possible yet it made me sad in the happiest way. I was punished after that day, I had to be mentally and physically punished, it was too familiar though it still worked on me and it only made me worse than before. I had urges to end lives more often than I should, I avoided people because I was pissed off, I'm always awake and overthinking, thinking what could she be thinking.

Am I the only one who's like this?

I would never know the answer to that peculiar question, but I would like to know. I'm so damn tired of being alone despite me being surrounded with people I have known, I pushed them away because it wasn't the kind of company that I wanted. I only wanted one company, but it disappeared. I could recall the moments that I would visit [Name], it was around the time she was being tortured. It broke my heart to see the scars and acid burns on her delicate skin, it freaked me out when I would see tears in her eyes. God, I missed her embrace, it was addictive in some sort of a pleasing way. That girl made me smile wider than I could imagine, and boy did it haunted me at night. My brain loves playing tricks at me, replaying the beautiful things that happened to me every night whenever I tried to sleep, every memory has her in it.

I'm sorry

I wanted to tell her that for so long but I never knew how, I wanted to make it up to her so badly, she doesn't deserve to be in this place and I was the only one that could see it. After many nights I finally thought of something else, a plan, perhaps the final one. I have to make this happen, it's for the better. I don't care if nobody will help me, I would rather do this alone. If this fixes everything, it's worth the shot.