My Personal Virus (A BEN Drowned x Reader fanfic)

Trouble

(BEN)

It's been a few days, a few days since I have confessed my true feelings. I couldn't blame her if she doesn't believe me as I said, I had to get that out of my system. Though I'm still confused, I admitted that I liked her but I wasn't sure why, is love have to be this complicated?

I was out in the woods and it's been a long time, I have been wasting my time being with [Name] even though I'm doing nothing when I'm around her. I sighed, my thoughts were confusing along with my emotions, I thought I would understand this quickly and man I was wrong. 

The wind blew shaking the tall skinny trees of the forest, it was close to midnight as I sat on a cold large rock up in a hill. I took a deep breath then let all the air out loudly.

[Name] was on my mind, when did she ever leave? Never. I thought that maybe if I stopped avoiding her everything wouldn't be this frustrating but God I was wrong...again, it only got worse because every time I'm near her I feel...despicable. I always wanted to say something but I'm not sure what, like there's always something stuck on the tip of my tongue. I'm always in need for her touch, gaze and mostly her attention. Sure I'm desperate, but I'm not sure why. I was glad she was fine about me embracing her every now and then, I discovered that I had that thing where I wanted to be physically close with her. But are we REALLY close?

I like [Name], but why? Here I am again, trying so hard to look for the answer. She wasn't the most beautiful girl that stepped foot on this planet, she wasn't the smartest person either,so...what's so attractive about her? That was a good question, alas I couldn't answer it.

I furrowed my eyebrows, an image of [Name] popped up inside my head. Based on her physical attributes, to be honest, there was nothing bad. She's pretty anyway. Then I thought about her mental attributes, very decent for a girl though she's clever I have to admit. She wasn't incredibly special, so why do I like her? God this is more difficult that a damn math equation! My feelings wouldn't be this fucked up without a reason! There's a reason for everything!

All of a sudden, a memory started playing inside my head. It was the time we spent on the Convenience Store, I could remember it so clearly like it was yesterday. Her smiles, her laughter, it was all too real. But mine...it was the half of the truth. I remembered it ending with us chatting near the window and with the moonlight illuminating, somehow at that time I took the conversation we had seriously. It feels like the alcohol we drank that time was still in my mouth. Then it leads into something unpleasing, with me stunning her carefully(which was a small ability of mine) until she passed out, of course, I did that for my own entertainment and next part of my game with her, but there's something that made me feel terrible about it.

My eyes widen upon a short realization, I was changing. The longer I'm with her, the more I change. It was unexpected yet it wasn't enough to answer my main question. Memories I had with her was the only thing I had to find the pieces of the answer, it dated back to the first time we met up until yesterday. [Name] changed too, she wasn't happy like she used to be, I ruined that of course but was I happy about that? 

I gulped, I cut off all the memories from playing inside my head. I groan slightly, I was taking all of this too seriously, what's wrong with me?! 

"She's gonna die or probably kill herself someday! Why the fuck do I think that there's a chance that she'll like me back?! This is pointless! She's pointless! I'm...I'm pointless...."

I shouted into the wilderness but it ended up to be a whisper to myself, I never wanted for this to happen, I didn't see this coming, I hated it yet...I gave in. I wasn't incredibly guilty about giving in to my emotions, I was only a little satisfied with my life but I wasn't truly happy with it. I rubbed my eyes before standing up, I took one last stare at the forest with a weird feeling in my gut.