A man is talking to the tax inspector who’s come to review his records.
The inspector says, ‘As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to pay them with a smile.’
‘Thank God for that,’ replies the man. ‘I thought you were going to ask for cash.
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"
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Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin?
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One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Murphy’s pockets and searched him.
All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
"Was that all you wanted?" Murphy replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in me shoe!"
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A young woman walks into a bank to withdraw some money.
‘Can you identify yourself?’ asked the bank clerk.
The young woman opens her handbag, takes out a mirror, looks into it and says, ‘Yes, it’s me all right.’
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Never borrow money from optimists – they always expect to get it back.
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Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something practical for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for Name of your former bank. After a slight hesitation, she put down Piggy.
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"Hello."
"Hello."
"Is that you, James?"
"Yes, this is James."
"Are you sure this is James?"
"Yes I'm sure, this is James!"
"This is Robert... can you lend me twenty dollars?"
"I'll tell James when he comes in."
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‘Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.’ Spike Milligan.
***
So those are some money jokes. 🤑✌
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