Horror. Just pure horror. It feels like I have been sucked into a dark, airless black hole. When the phone rings before 6am, it's never anything you want to hear. On any other day I would have just let it ring but today I knew I had to pick it up.
Cameron is dead. Part of me wishes I didn't answer, but I did. I'll never be able to take it back, but worst of all I'll never get to see him again. I hate the word 'never' it's too permanent but death is permanent. I'll never get to hug him again, see him smile, tell him I love him and I'll never hear him tell me he loves me too.
At the age of twenty, you're old enough to understand death but still young enough to believe that you can have forever with somebody. I thought my forever would be with Cameron. I really believed that. But at the age of twenty Cameron lost his life and I lost the love of my life. He just can't be gone. Oh God. Please no. He had so much more to give, so much of life he won't ever get to experience. Why did it have to be now? So suddenly? I loved him... correction, I love him so much. How do I live without him? How do I keep going? I just know that I don't want to.
I just want to lay here. My chest feels heavy and every breath I take feels like its slowly crushing me. The only thing I can bare to look at is the cold white ceiling. Everything else in my room reminds me of him. I was supposed to spend the night with him last night but I didn't get off work until almost midnight and I didn't want to disturb him. Maybe I should have gone anyway, maybe he'd still be alive.
I don't feel anything right now. I want to scream and cry but nothing is coming out. My heart is so broken that it is impossible to feel anything else. I don't want to know my life without Cameron. I don't want to know a world without his infectious laugh, without him randomly dancing even though there was no music playing, without him calling me every night before he went to sleep to tell me he loves me. Last night after he said 'I love you' he said "I'll see you again soon." Neither of us knew that last night the last time we would ever speak. If I had known that that phone call would be our last, I wouldn't have rushed it, there is so much I wish I could've said to him.
I have no idea how long I've been laying here for but sunlight has started to peak through the curtains of my bedroom. My phone has been going off for what feels like hours. I don't want to look but I have to. I roll over and take my phone of the charger.
10:23AM
(3) Missed Calls - Mum 9:58AM
(11) Text Messages 10:21AM
(1) Voicemail - Cameron 10:56PM 5 July
He called me again? Hesitantly I enter my passcode and access my voicemail. My hands shaking. What could he have said? I put my phone up to me ear.
"Hi beautiful Layla, I know you're busy at work and I know we've aleady said goodnight but I just wanted to tell you how amazing you are. You take on the world with so much grace. I'm so proud of you. I miss you and it sucks I can't see you tonight but you work so hard. Goodnight mi amor, I love you."
Hot tears start to falls from my eyes and down my cheeks. My phone drops from my hand onto my blanket. I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
His words ring in my head over and over again.
"I love you" I whisper aloud. "And I'll miss you forever." My voice breaks and I begin to sob.
It hurts so bad and all I want is for Cameron to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything will be okay. But he's not here. Not anymore. He was my anchor, my centre, my world and now my world is shattered and hollow. How do I keep living without him? Will it even be living? or just existing? How do I even get up out of this bed? It all feels so impossible.
How must his family be feeling? I feel like the earth has been pulled out from underneath me so I can only imagine their pain. I lost my partner. But they lost a son, a brother. That is the kind of pain that can never be healed or covered over.
When you love someone you open yourself up to suffering, that's the sad truth. Maybe they'll break your heart or maybe you'll break theirs. Or maybe you'll lose them too soon and unexpectedly. And it will never matter how much you loved them or appreciated them or how much time you spent with them, it will never feel like enough. It doesn't feel like enough. I will always want more time Cameron, time I will never get. No matter how much I want it or how many stars in the sky I will wish on or how many times I pray to God or the universe or whoever is willing to listen.
Nothing will ever bring him back. And I am so broken.
YOU ARE READING
Before I Let You Go (In memory of Cameron Boyce)
Fanfiction"I've been struggling every day since his death to understand why something so random and horrible could have happen... But I do think that Cameron and I were lucky to have found each other. I loved him and I know that he was loved." Layla Grace lo...
