Before I Let You Go (In memory of Cameron Boyce)

Part 7

Three minutes...

8:58PM
8:59PM
9:00PM

Finally.

9:01PM

Hesitantly I pick up the test off the bathroom sink. I've been going insane for the last three minutes. I'm terrified. I don't know what I'd do if it was positive. I saw Cameron and I maybe one day having a family if we stayed together. I never imagined the possibility of being a single mum while grieving the loss of my partner.

Pregnant. 3+ weeks.

I just start crying. I don't know what else to do right now other than cry. This can't be right. How can I raise a child while still wallowing in my grief? What is the right thing to do? Am I capable of being a twenty year old mum and a widow? Fuck. Who can I even talk to about this? Will this just cause people more hurt? Or would this baby be a good thing? Fuck. I feel like I can hardly take a breathe right now.

This is just insanity. I should go to the doctor just to be sure. Being pregnant terrifies me. I wouldn't have even been ready if Cameron was still alive but at least we would have had each other. But he's not here and I'm on my own. I pick up my phone and scroll through my contacts looking for someone to call but I can't. I don't want to tell anyone until I'm sure and know what I want to do. I wish I could call Cameron. He's the only person I want to talk to right now.

I go and lay down on the couch. Everything feels like its spinning out of control. I just want him but he's not here and it just hurts. I put my right hand on my lower abdomen. There could really be a human in there. Fifty percent me and fifty percent the man that I love. I feel like I should be happy but I'm not.

"Are you okay?" Cameron asks walking into the living room from the kitchen.

"Are you really asking me that? No I'm not fucking okay!" I exclaim sitting up on the couch.

"What's the matter?" He questions sounding concerned.

"Seriously? I'm pregnant and I'm terrified, and sad, and angry. I miss you so much and I just want you to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I need you more than ever." I tell him, my voice breaking as I begin to cry.

"I'm sorry Layla. It will be okay though. You are stronger than you think mi amor. You will make the right choice. I know you will." Cameron says sitting down on the couch and putting his arm around my shoulders.

"How do you know it will be okay?" I ask as I rest my head on his shoulder.

"I just do." He says. "You trust me?"

"Yes of course I do." I reply.

"Follow your heart. It knows where to go." Cameron says squeezing my shoulders.

"How can my heart know where to go, when you're my heart and you're not really here?" I question.

"Do you remember what the letter you wrote me for our first anniversary said?" He asks as we turn our heads to look at each other.

"It was three pages Cam, it said a lot." I laugh.

"You said that you would always carry a piece of me with you no matter where our lives would take us in the future." He tells me. "I will always be right here." Cameron points his finger right over where my heart is. "I'll always be right there when you need me."

Since his passing I've been looking for a place to put my anger and somebody to blame. A part of me was angry at Cameron for leaving even though I knew he had no control over his seizures. But if he was still here I wouldn't be in so much pain. My life wouldn't feel like its upside down. But I'm not angry at him anymore. I loved him and he loved me. That's enough and more than some people will ever get.

Having a baby is supposed to be a happy time. But happiness feels like a distant memory at this point. I'll call the doctor tomorrow and get a blood test done. I don't know what to do. I'm just so scared. My mind just isn't clear and I don't know how to see through the fog of everything.

There is just so much to consider. Work, nursing school, my family, Cameron's family. That's just the tip of the iceberg though. I never imagined this life for myself. I didn't think I would find the love of my life, then have him taken away from me suddenly and then find out I'm going to have his child.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. Life can be unpredictable. We never know that a moment with someone may be our last. We think that we will always have tomorrow. But some of us aren't that lucky. Tomorrow isn't a given, I thought I would have a tomorrow with Cameron. Cameron went to went to have a nap, thinking that he would wake up. And that's what has been so painful, we didn't get our tomorrow and or a day after that or a day after that. We didn't get to have a future together and I wanted a future with Cam. I wanted it so bad that sometimes I forgot to be in the moment and just enjoy him. There is so much I wish I could have had the chance to say to him.

If I could only give this baby one piece of advice it would be to enjoy every moment and never take anything for granted.