Before I Let You Go (In memory of Cameron Boyce)

Part 4

It's unfathomable how something so tragic could happen and how someone so young and bright could be taken from the earth and yet, the world keeps turning. People go about there days like normal, almost like nothing ever happened. How do they not notice his absence?

As I walk down the busy Los Angeles streets towards my therapist's office, I watch as people walk fast, maybe going to work, maybe going to meet somebody. They are all in a hurry to get somewhere. I wonder if any of them feel the pain that I'm feeling. Do they notice that the world seems a little less brighter? Do they notice the stars at night shine differently? Or are they all oblivious?

I arrive at my therapist's office and walk up the stairs to the the waiting area. I tell the receptionist that I have an appointment at 10AM before taking a seat. I know I'm going to start crying again the second I get in there. The crying has been uncontrollable, I cried when I ran out of milk this morning. I'm just on this rollercoaster of emotions that feels like it's never going to end.

I hear the sound of a door opening and my therapist Diana walks out. "Layla" she calls. I stand up and walk into her office.

...

"Sometimes I still see him. Is that normal?" I ask clutching onto the balled up tear soaked tissue in my right hand.

"Is it like memories or imagination?" Diana enquires a pen and notepad in hand.

"Both. Am I going crazy? Is this healthy?" I answer.

"You're grieving Layla. You lost someone you loved very much, but from what you've told me you are coping as well as you possibly can at this stage. You've always had an active imagination but maybe it can be your friend right now. If you need Cameron to be with you in memory or imagination to ease some of the pain you're feeling, you can let him be there. You will let go when you're ready. But you don't have to be ready right now." She responds, her tone caring and understanding.

"Yeah I guess. How long will I feel like this?" I want to know, I don't want to feel like this forever.

"Grief is an individual process. I know mental health professionals talk about the stages of grief but there isn't any rule book for how long each stage will last or when they'll start. You won't feel like this forever but if you try and push these feelings down they will find a way to come up again later. So let yourself feel each part of it and remember that you are allowed to feel this way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve." Diana tells me and tears start to fall down my cheeks.

The session ends soon after and I leave not feeling any less sad but I feel a small amount of relief that how I'm feeling is normal. I thought I was starting to lose my mind. I miss Cameron so much. With every day that passes, I just feel it more. Time isn't healing me right now. Nothing is. I haven't found anything that eases the pain, except for when I imagine he's still here. But when I stop and reality sets in again the sadness sets back it too.

When I arrive at Cameron's apartment, the room feels sorrowful and empty. Karan has had a hard time being here since Cameron died, you can't blame him though. The last time I was here Cameron was still alive, I've been trying to compartmentalise what I'm about to do from my grief the whole way here, but it's nearly impossible. I'm about to go through my dead boyfriend's belongings with his family and best friend.

I say hello to Cameron's parents Victor and Libby giving them each a hug and trying desperately to hold back tears. I hug his sister Maya and then I hug Karan we squeeze each other tight, we don't have to say anything. There is nothing either of us could say to make the other feel better.

We don't wait around long, none of us want to drag this out because its already hard enough. Going through Cameron's stuff is difficult, looking at pieces of him and deciding what is worth keeping, what should be donated and what to throw away. We aren't just putting his stuff away, it's like we are putting his life into boxes.

We all have things we want to keep of him. So far I've kept a few of his t-shirts, a beanie and photos he had of the two of us. Cameron wasn't someone who was materialistic, he cared more about people and making memories than things.

Before long we've packed up most of Cameron's things. The shelves and drawers empty, posters and photographs taken down from the walls. His room looks so bare, almost like he was never here. A few tears have been shed from each one of us in the past few hours. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Once we have taken all the boxes out of the room and down to our cars. I walk back to Cameron's room and sit on the end of his bed and take everything in.

Libby pokes her head in the doorway. "Are you alright?" She asks.

"Umm can I just have a minute alone?" I respond as I feel the sadness come over me in one big wave.

"Yeah honey, have all the time you need." She says and closes the door.

Tears well up in my eyes and then I break down and begin sobbing. My cries get more intense, I lean forward and put my hand over my mouth to quiet myself. It hurts so bad. No one said this was going to be easy but it's so much harder than I ever could have imagined.

But then again, I never thought I would lose Cameron.