Watching Cameron's family speak at his funeral was hard. You could see just how loved Cameron was and how his loss has left a hole in a lot of people's lives. Cameron loved life, despite having a life long medical condition, he was never angry at the world... instead he used that energy to try and influence positive change and help those who needed it. I'll always admire him for that. Cameron was a beautiful person inside and out. The light in his soul always shined through even in the dark moments. I miss that so much.
After the wake I drove around for hours. I finally decided to go home when it got dark. Tomorrow I have my first therapy session and then I have to go to Cameron's apartment to help his best friend - Karan and Cameron's family sort out his things. It's going to tear me apart but I know it'll be harder for them. I lost my boyfriend, my partner but his parents lost a child. No parent wants to outlive their children. I can't even begin to fathom the pain they must be feeling.
As I walk through my living room and in to my bedroom I kick my shoes off. I look like hell, make up smudged, eyes puffy and red, my dress has ridden up and my stomach bloated from all the cocktail sandwiches and brownies I ate at the wake. Cameron still would've called me beautiful and I would have laughed and told him he should probably get his eyes checked.
I'm so emotionally exhausted, I have nothing left and all I want to do is lay down. I feel weighed down from sadness and just pure tiredness. God, I'm so fucking tired. I just want to sleep so bad.
"Please just let me sleep tonight." I say aloud to myself and to really anyone who'll listen, whether is God or the universe or Buddha, hell even Spongebob at this point.
Truth is since Cameron's passing I haven't really known what I believe in. I've never really been religious but now it's even harder. Because if I believe in God I would have to believe that he is cruel to take him away from his loved ones before he got to experience all of life.
I get ready to go to sleep and I fall onto my bed. I have no energy left in my body. I get under the covers and curl in a ball. I haven't got anymore crying left in me right now. I'm so tired but I haven't been able to get any sleep for days. I'm running on empty. I feel like a shell of who I was. I miss Cameron so much.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I place my hand on the pillow on the other side of my bed.
"You need to get some rest." Cameron says playing with my hair as I lay on his chest listening to his heart beating.
"I'm so tired. I feel like I could sleep for a year." I say trying to hide a yawn. I move my hand from his chest to wrap my arm around his torso and I squeeze tightly.
"You're stunning." He says holding me just as tight.
"I look like I've been hit by a bus." I rebut.
"Well you're the most beautiful bus accident victim I've ever seen." Cameron laughs. Cameron always knew what to say. His wisdom was beyond his years. He saw the world so differently compared to other twenty year olds.
"Sometimes I wish I could see the world through your eyes." I tell him.
"Do you?" He asks.
"Yeah you can always find the light in even the darkest of situations. You don't just see problems with the world, you see solutions. I don't think like that most of the time." I reply. "How do you do it? This world can be so cold and cruel." I continued.
"It's a choice. But it's a choice you have to make every single day, no matter what life throws at you. Yes, people can be cruel and life can be unfair but you can either cry about it or you can look at that cruelty and unfairness and try and do something about it." Cameron says looking into my blue eyes as I gaze deeply into his brown ones. I could just stare at him forever.
"I swear you've lived a previous life. No other twenty year olds think like you." I respond.
"Is that a good thing?" He asks.
I reach my head up and kiss his lips lightly. "Its why I love you. I wouldn't have you any other way." I reply shaking my head.
"Thank you mi amor." Cameron says.
"I love you." I tell him, a yawn quickly follows.
"I love you. But I think it's time you get some sleep, you need it." He says softly.
"But I need you more. I wish you were really here." I murmur as a tear escapes the corner of my eye. I close my eyes and quickly drift off to sleep.
YOU ARE READING
Before I Let You Go (In memory of Cameron Boyce)
Fanfiction"I've been struggling every day since his death to understand why something so random and horrible could have happen... But I do think that Cameron and I were lucky to have found each other. I loved him and I know that he was loved." Layla Grace lo...
