Before I Let You Go (In memory of Cameron Boyce)

Part 5

I've been dizzy and out of sorts since we packed up Cameron's things a few days ago. I'm exhausted still, no matter how much sleep I get. I've officially taken leave from work, I've decided on a month but I can have more time if I want.

I only have so much in my savings account so I'll have to go back eventually. Even though the thought of working and caring for other people feels almost impossible when I can barely look after myself right now.

Its midday, I've managed to get out of bed and onto the couch. I haven't gotten dressed or showered yet today. I'm still in Cameron's basketball jersey that I slept in last night. I miss him more than I will ever be able to explain. I love him so much.

When I met Cameron I didn't believe that I would ever be loved like that. Past boyfriends treated me terribly, like nothing I did or said or felt mattered. They made me believe I was crazy when I was upset over how they treated me. But then I met Cameron. He made me feel like it wasn't totally inconceivable that someone could love me and treat me right.

My stomach growls loudly, I get up from the couch and walk over into the kitchen. I open the fridge, it's almost bare apart from some sliced cheese, a lettuce that looks kind of wilted and a container of lasagna that my aunt made and left on my door step with an 'I'm sorry for you loss' card. I really need to go grocery shopping... maybe I should just online shop. I wouldn't have to put on pants that way.

I grab a slice of cheese and close the fridge as I put the slice in my mouth. I walk back over to the couch and pick up my laptop off the coffee table before sitting back down. I open my laptop and staring back at me on the screen is a photo of Cameron with a huge goofy smile on his face.

He was the most beautiful man that I ever had the privilege of laying eyes on and I was lucky enough to have him for a brief moment in time. We were together for just over a year and it was the happiest year of my life. But now it feels like I am in the saddest time of my life. My heart has never been this broken before.

I order my groceries and open the photo album folder on my laptop. I click through photos and videos of Cameron. I hit play on one of the videos of him and I that I shot on my phone from a few months ago.

"Hey Cam watcha doin'?" I asked from behind the camera. Cameron was sitting on the end of his bed with his guitar on his lap just playing around.

"Just playing my guitar baby." He answered giving me a cute little smile.

"Hmmm maybe you should play me something." I suggested. Even though you couldn't see it in the video I know that I was smiling at him when I spoke.

"Yeah I can do that." Cameron smiled.

Cameron looked down at his hands on the guitar and begins playing. The familiar chords of Bruno Mars' 'Just the way you are' took form and Cameron began to sing.

"When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change cause you're amazing just the way you are. And when you smile the whole world stops and stares for a while. Cause girl you're amazing, just the way you are." His voice was incredible.

Cameron looked up at the camera and asked "How was that?"

"You were wonderful." I responded. "How did I get so lucky?" I added as I turned the camera around and sat down on the bed. I sat next to Cameron so both of us were in the shot.

"Yeah how did you get so lucky?" Cameron joked.

"Hey! Don't be mean!" I exclaimed in an offended tone before laughing going along with the joke.

"I'm sorry babe. Forgive me?" He pouted.

I looked at him and raised my eyebrows but I couldn't stay serious and smiled at him. "Yeah I guess I can forgive you." I said.

"I'm the lucky one." Cameron said and then he put his hand on my face and kissed me. His other hand reached for the camera as he pulled away from this kiss. "Here let's turn this off." He said giving a mischievous smile and the video ends.

I'm smiling and crying at the same time. No, I was the lucky one. I know that. Cameron was one of the most incredible performers I ever met. He was a wonderful brother to Maya and a loving friend to so many people. He was a good man.

I've been struggling every day since his death to understand why something so random and horrible could have happen. We knew the risk of his illness but none of us were prepared for him to die. But I do think that Cameron and I were lucky to have found each other. I loved him and I know that he was loved.