Before I Let You Go (In memory of Cameron Boyce)

Part 8

"You're about five weeks along." My doctor says staring at my blood test results on the computer screen.

"Okay. What happens now?" I ask, still feeling just as lost before it was confirmed that I really am pregnant.

"You will have a scan at twelve weeks to establish when the estimated due date will be and check for nuchal translucency, so basically checking for down syndrome. And if you want we can do an amniocentisis." She throws all this information at me and even though I hear the words she is saying, I'm not really processing it.

"Can you just give me some pamphlets or print something out for me? It's just a lot of information." I tell her.

"Yes of course."

I walk out of the doctor's office. Pamphlets and a referral for an obstetrician in hand. I feel like I'm all alone in the world. I don't know if I can do this on my own. I've never been more scared or more unsure of anything than I am at this moment in my life.

How do I tell anyone? There is no handbook for telling people that you're pregnant when you're partner just lost his life. If I could just curl in a ball and forget the world exists, I would do it in a heartbeat. Is my grief putting stress on him or her? Does this baby feel the pain that I'm feeling? Can I be a good mother? What is the right thing to do for everyone?

Cameron's family call him a compass and he truly was. I've been lost without him, I think all of us have been lost. Nothing feels the same since he's been gone. My anger at his passing has slowly been replaced with sadness. It's an aching feeling that never seems to go away.

Its longing for him and never getting to feel close to him. Its looking through photos and videos and balling my eyes out. Its wanting to share moments with him and not being able to. I miss him with every fiber of my being. Would Cameron have been excited about being a dad? Family meant a lot to him. I should honour that. I need to tell his family.

I drive home getting some KFC on the way home. Sorry little one, but you're the reason I'm craving fried chicken right now.

At home I read through all the educational material my doctor gave me. Damn being pregnant is complicated. There is so much you can't do, so many tests, scans and doctors visits. I'm a nursing student so I know a lot of the medical terminology around this but its different when its happening to you. There is someone growing inside of me that is completely dependent on me and what I do.

I feel so overwhelmed, and I'm so scared that I won't be able to love this baby like he or she deserves but I know that I can't let this chance go even if it will be a challenge. I've always wanted to be a mum, even if this isn't how I pictured it growing up.

I guess nothing has turned out how I thought it would. Life has thrown some curve balls at me but I've always come out the other side of it stronger, I just hope that I can do that again. I don't know if I will ever heal from Cameron's death but maybe one day I'll get through my grief. I can't see a day where I won't miss him or think of him, but maybe I won't be so unsure of everything and I won't be so sad anymore.

But one thing I'm sure of is that I was meant to be with Cameron. Even if this wasn't how it was supposed to end. Cam showed me that I am deserving of love and that is more than I ever could have asked for. This cruel world had other plans and reality changed. That will always hurt but hopefully the pain will lessen over time.

I decide that I'm going to watch something Cameron was in. I just want to see his face right now. I go into the kitchen and microwave some popcorn. I go back into the living room and curl up on the couch.

I press play and start watching 'Descendants.'