Before I Let You Go (In memory of Cameron Boyce)

Part 10

I've started back at work but it's been really hard. I've been going to nursing school but I've been struggling, I used to love it. My mind is a mess and my heart isn't in it anymore. I'm stressed out and even more emotionally exhausted than I've ever felt. Was it too early to go back to work? Do I really want to be a nurse anymore? What do I want to do instead? How am I going to juggle all this when the baby comes?

I don't know if I can do this. It feels like too much. I have to make a choice. But what is the right one? I have a whole other person to consider now. I have to take care of myself but also do what is best for my child. I need money to be able to support this child and I can't quit my job until I have another one.

Do I drop out of nursing school? Once upon a time it was all I wanted but my whole outlook on life has changed since Cameron died. I don't love it like I used to. But if I drop out I'll feel like I failed myself, well my old self. I've changed so much in the last few months. I don't recognise myself anymore.

"What should I do little one?" I ask aloud putting my hand over my little baby bump.

"You need to look after yourself. Stress isn't good for the baby." Cameron says as he lays down next to me on my bed.

"I can't not work Cam." I say cuddling up next to him.

"Why are you worrying so much about money?" He asks.

"Because I have to pay for stuff for the baby, not to mention rent and utilities." I tell him.

"You know my family will help." Cameron tells me.

"Yeah I know but I feel awful asking. They've already put some of the money you left in a trust for our child and gave the rest to charities that meant a lot to you." I explain.

"Well at least find something that you're heart is in. I don't want you stressing yourself out." He tells me holding me close.

"Thanks Cameron. I love you." I tell him.

"And I love you."

Cameron meant the world to me, he still does. My heart is with him. Maybe I should see if there is a job at the foundation. That way I can feel close to Cameron while working to support the baby and I. 

Sometimes I wonder how different things would be if Cameron was still here. I just sit and imagine what life would be like, but I feel like I'm holding onto a fantasy and I'm not ready to let go. He was the linchpin that held me together when I was a mess and I just feel like I'm floating through life right now.

I need to be grounded again and I'm just trying to figure out how to get my feet back on the ground.

My phone rings and its Karan.

"Hey." I answer.

"Hey, how are you?" Karan asks.

"I'm okay. How are you?"

"I'm okay too. I got the photo you sent me of the baby. Do you know what it is yet?" He asks.

"No, its still too early to tell." I explain.

"Well do you at least have a gut instinct about if its a boy or a girl?" Karan was excited when I told him I was having Cameron's baby. I think its because he gets to have something in his life of his best friend that is living.

"Some days I think its a boy and other days I'm convinced it's a girl. At my next scan I'll be able to find out the gender." I tell him.

"Are you going to have a gender reveal?"

"I don't think so. Not many people know I'm pregnant. Just family and close friends. I'll tell people but it won't be a big deal." I miss Cameron so much and my grief is still very raw. Celebrating is difficult for me.

"You know you're allowed to enjoy this baby, Layla. Cameron would have wanted you to." He tells me. Karan is right.

"I know, but I'm struggling to just let myself be happy." I say.

"I get that, but your baby deserves a happy mother."

Karan and I talk for a while. We catch up on each others lives and reminisce about Cameron. Its nice being able to talk with someone about him and not here the words "I'm sorry for your loss" and be given sympathy.

I don't want to be treated with kit gloves anymore. I just want to feel normal again.