Before I Let You Go (In memory of Cameron Boyce)

Part 16

After falling Libby and Victor rushed me to the hospital to get checked out. I didn't fall that hard but I was so scared that my baby wouldn't be okay. I didn't feel her kick for the whole car ride there. The sound of her heartbeat on the ultrasound machine was a huge relief. She was okay.

I don't know if I would have coped if something happened to her. For a moment it felt like I had been sucked back into that airless horror that I was in when I found out Cameron was dead.

The feeling of relief when the doctor gave us the all clear is indescribable. In those moments in the waiting room I wanted Cameron there so bad.

We walk to the car in silence. I sit next to Maya in the back. It's dark out now and I stare out the window at all the lights.

I feel tears start to well up in my eyes and I start crying.

"What's wrong Layla? The baby is okay. Everything is fine now." Libby says trying to comfort me but that's not why I'm crying.

"I thought I could handle it. I spent all day at the fundraiser today hearing people tell me that they're sorry for my loss and asking about Cameron and how he died. I reduced the man I adored so much into an anecdote. I kept saying that I'm fine and everything is fine. Like a fucking cartoon version of myself. But I'm not fine. I'm not fine at all. I'm angry! I'm angry because he's not fucking here! I'm still imagining what it would be like if he was still here. I don't want to let go of him. I couldn't do any of this without you guys. I'm so grateful that you look after me. I should be looking after you. You're his family. I can't imagine the pain you have been going through."

"Layla..." Victor begins. "You are family and we are going to get through this together."

I couldn't be more thankful for Cameron's family and all they have done to help others even though they lost their son and brother. They have every right to shut out the world and be selfish in this time of their grief.

After being dropped off at home I go upstairs and change into my pyjamas and curl up on the couch and order pizza.

I start looking online for things I'll need for the baby. I don't know if I can live in my small place once the baby comes. I don't have a backyard for her to play once she gets older and the spare room will be too small once she goes from the crib into a bed.

Maybe I need to move. I start looking for houses for the baby and I. This is stressful but kids need to be able to run around and be outside. I want my kid to grow up like I did. Playing outside and not spending all day in front of a screen.

I want to give my baby girl the best life I possibly can. I already love her so much. I often wonder who she will look like. Will she have brown eyes and freckles like him? Will she smile like me? Or like Cameron? Who's nose will she have? I wonder what her personality will be like.

I am so excited to get to know her. As my body changes and my belly gets bigger and rounder I imagine who she will be.

I put my hands over my stomach and talk to her.

"Hey little one. Thank you for choosing me to be your mum. I can't wait to meet you. Actually I can wait a little bit longer because you need to cook a little more in there and mum still hasn't gotten her shit together but you are so loved already. I love your dad so much and I am so sorry you won't get to meet him. I love you baby girl."