Before I Let You Go (In memory of Cameron Boyce)

Part 17

"Cam... how can I do this without you?" I ask him folding baby clothes and putting them into boxes to go to my new house.

"You're already doing it." He tells me glancing at my thirty week pregnant belly then looking into my eyes.

"I need you here." I say. Cameron hugs me, my bump in between us.

"You don't need me." He begins. "You want me. You've already done so well Layla. You will be an amazing mother to our beautiful little girl. I wish I could be there to hold your hand during labour and then hold her when she arrives. But I can't. Even though I can't be there I want you to think about how much we loved each other and use that strength to push through when things get tough."

"I wish you could be here. To share in all the good times and be there to hold me in the bad times." I tell him tightening our hug before we both let go.

"Remember where I am when you need me." He says pointing to my heart.

"I'll always carry you with me."

I pack a few more boxes before needing to sit down. Trying to move house while heavily pregnant is hard work. I can't stand for as long as I used to because my back begins to ache and my feet and ankles start to swell.

I've had a lot of help from people with packing because I can't lift any heavy boxes. I hate having to be dependent on others.

I still haven't decided on a name yet. Nothing sounds right, I just hope I've made a decision before she arrives.

Time has flown by. Its hard to think that I only have ten weeks until the baby is due. I haven't even begun to set up a nursery because I haven't moved into my new house yet. I've gotten more baby things but none of the big stuff like a crib or car seat or change table.

I've been happier. I genuinely laughed for the first time the other day. It's weird, I feel like I'm starting to get through the pain of my grief. I still miss Cameron like crazy, he was such a huge part of me and my life. I still feel his absence, it's hard not to.

I've decided to have a baby shower. I want to enjoy this baby and I want his loved ones to enjoy her too. I want to be happy again, I don't want to forget him but I'm the only one who can give my daughter a happy mother. I'm not quite ready to let Cameron go and stop imagining that he's still here. Sometimes it's the only way I can find any strength when I'm emotionally exhausted.

I still love Cameron and I don't think I'll ever stop. I'll love him until the day I die. There will never be another person like Cameron. He was so unique in every way. He left a mark on the world that is still visible. His light still burns and his legacy will live on for a long time, if not forever.

Whenever I watch something that Cameron was in or watch a video of him on my laptop or phone, she starts kicking like crazy when she hears his voice. At least that's why I think she's kicking. I don't know how she knows but she does and its beautiful and magical.

I wish she had the chance to meet him, even just for a moment. I'll do everything I can to let her know who her dad was. But I know deep down that he won't mean as much to her as he does to me. No matter how hard I may try she won't ever get the chance to know him like I did or see how much brighter a room would get when he walked in. She won't get to see how much passion he had and how much love he had in his heart.

Cameron was an amazing man and I loved him so much. I want my baby girl to know that.