Before I Let You Go (In memory of Cameron Boyce)

Part 2

Today is the day. Cameron's funeral. I haven't slept in days. I feel like I'm walking around like a zombie. I haven't gone to work since I found out he was dead. I don't know how I'm supposed to go back to nursing school after the summer. I go from feeling absolutely numb to feeling like the whole world is crashing down right on top of me.

The moments I forget that he is gone are the hardest. It's like for a moment everything feels alright. I'll here a song that Cameron loved and I would begin to sing along, only to have it all come flooding back. Cameron is gone and my heart breaks all over again. 

As I stare at myself in the mirror I see my blood shot eyes from crying and the dark circles that surround them. I reach behind myself to zip up my black dress but the zip gets stuck. I tug and tug at it but it's not budging. Tears start to well up in my eyes and feelings of anger take over. In a fit of rage, I walk over to my desk pick up the stack of textbooks and notes on my desk and throw them on the floor. 

I kick the pages as they hit the floor. I'm angry, so fucking angry. I'm angry that my dress isn't doing up, today of all days. I'm angry that I will never get to see the man I love ever again. I'm angry at myself for all the things I didn't say to him. I'm angry that he was taken from this world so soon. I just want to scream and cry and break things.

It hurts, it hurts so bad that he's gone. My trail of destruction extends into my living room. I throw the cushions off the couch and I knock over photo frames and hear the glass shatter.

Then all of a sudden I just stop in my tracks, I look down at the floor and see a photo of Cameron and I in its shattered frame. I reach down and pick it up then I start crying. I take a step back and my back hits the wall. I slide down and sit on the floor as the tears fall and the sobs escape my lips.

This is a new kind of pain for me. I have never felt anything like this before. It's like a huge part of me has been ripped out from my chest and it's been replaced with emptiness, and hurt, and anger and sadness. Right now it feels like it's never going to go away. 

I'm not ready to say goodbye. 

I'm not even sure how to say goodbye. I'm not ready to let him go. 

But today isn't about me, it's about Cameron and I know he wouldn't want his funeral to be about his death and for everyone to be sad the whole time. Instead he would want it to be a celebration of his life.

I take a deep breath in and out. In and out. I wipe my tears and stand up, placing the photograph on the coffee table. I take one more deep breath before walking back into my room. I stand in front of the mirror Okay, stay calm I say to myself. I reach behind myself and pull the zip down before pulling it back up and much to my relief it goes up without getting stuck. 

Grief does things to you. Changes you. I know I will never be the person I was before Cameron's passing. Not a lot makes sense to me right now. Part of me keeps hoping that this is all just a bad dream and at any moment I'll wake up. It doesn't feel like I'm living anymore, just existing. I feel the loss of Cameron in every inch of my body, from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. 

I still keep half expecting to pick up the phone and hear his voice or to get a stupid snapchat from him. I got used to having him in my life and now I have to get used to him being gone. It feels wrong, it doesn't feel like that this is how life is supposed to be. I just want to hold on so tight to him and the memories we created together. I can't let him go. I don't know how to. This funeral feels like the first step towards my life without Cameron and it scares the hell out of me.

I finish getting ready and I head out to my car. I drive in silence, no music, just the sound of the engine and other cars. At the red lights I look over at the passenger seat and have flashes of memories of Cameron singing and laughing play in my head. He was so full of life and energy. Cameron made being stuck in shit L.A traffic fun. He would crank up the music and begin dancing in his seat. Those were some of my favourite moments, just being in the car with him. Even when I would get annoyed by the traffic, he would just grab my hand and when I would turn to look at him he would just smile at me and remind me to breathe.

I'll miss Cameron every day for the rest of my life.