Before I Let You Go (In memory of Cameron Boyce)

Part 6

It's now been just over two weeks since Cameron's passing. The only thing that has really kept me going is a project that some of Cameron's loved ones and I have been putting together... today we launch The Cameron Boyce Foundation.

Cameron was passionate about many causes but this was one of the big ones... Cameron believed that all young people should have access to a creative outlet instead of turning to violence and negativity. By using resources and philanthropy to promote positive change in the world, the foundation aims to provide these outlets to youths.

Cameron had a lot of dreams and it just means a lot to me to be able to help one of them come true. But it kills me that he's not here to see it. He would have been so excited.

I'm so nervous, I've had butterflies all morning. I just want it to go well, he deserves this. I miss him more and more with each day that passes. The middle hours of the night are the hardest without him.

I miss the feeling of his arms around me as I fall asleep. I have memories of our whispered conversations and our hands looking for each other in the dark. But sometimes if I lie absolutely still I can almost feel his body curl up softly into mine... and it breaks my heart.

I shower and get ready to go to the foundation launch. I change outfits a couple of times because nothing looks right. What do you wear to these things? After a few more outfit changes and a few tears of frustration, I eventually decide on a white t-shirt that I've tucked into a black skirt. Actually going out has felt like a lot of effort over the last couple of weeks. I'm so emotionally exhausted at this point.

I check that my phone, keys and wallet are in my handbag before heading towards the door. The butterflies in my stomach are getting stronger, oh god I think I'm going to throw up from the nerves.

I quickly run back down the hallway and into the kitchen. I vomit into the sink. Good thing I decided to go to the kitchen, I wasn't going to make it to the bathroom in time. I feel so much better. I quickly clean the sink and my face. I take a piece of mint gum out of my handbag and put it in my mouth and begin chewing. I've always struggled with anxiety when something is really important to me, but I've never thrown up because of it before.

I head back towards the door and leave for the foundation launch event, locking the door behind me on the way out.

I arrive at the event and take the stairs up to the venue. There are lots of people here but most importantly his family and friends are here. I am greeted by Libby. We talk for a short time and she tells me how the event is going to run.

So far the event is running smoothly. Everyone is mingling and talking about Cameron and the legacy he is now leaving behind. I am sitting down with Karan, sharing stories about times when Cameron made us laugh and lifted us up in hard times, when Victor walks up to the front of the room and takes the microphone off the stand and begins speaking.

"Hi everyone. First of all I want to thank you all for being here to support the launch of this cause that was so close to my son's heart. I miss Cameron so much. Cam was an old soul. He was passionate and driven. He was an impressive young man, I would have loved to see what else he would have achieved. Cameron said that his proudest moment in life was when he won the Thirst Project's Pioneering Spirit Award in 2018. So let's take a few minutes to watch his speech from that night."

The video begins playing on the projector screen behind Victor. It brings everyone in the room to tears. I met Cameron shortly after he won the award, he used to get so passionate talking about the Thirst Project and how important it was. He cared about so many people, his heart was so big.

The video ends and everyone claps. Victor takes the microphone one last time. "It is with great pleasure that I announce that the Cameron Boyce Foundation is officially launched. Please everyone take a moment to donate and spread the word."

I wipe the tears away and just smile. Cameron left an impression on everyone in this room and so many other people in the world. Cameron kept his word, what he is leaving behind is bigger than himself. I was so lucky to have  been loved by him.

The event was successful, I stay back and help to clean up. As I am cleaning one of the tables I start feeling a little dizzy. "Are you feeling alright?" Dove asks me as she puts her hand on my back to steady me.

"I keep getting these dizzy spells and I even threw up this morning. I thought it was just my anxiety and nerves about today." I tell her and I put my hands down on the table.

"Do you need to sit down? Or maybe some water?" She asks concerned.

"Nah, I'm starting to feel alright." I respond as I start to feel a little more steady on my feet.

"You're not?.. ya know?" Dove asks giving me a hinting look.

"No. What?"

"Pregnant." She leans forward and whispers.

I start laughing, I look over my shoulder making sure no one is near by before whispering back "Oh god no. I've been on the pill for years."

"You haven't missed a day recently?" She enquires.

"Dove!" I exclaim. "I haven't had sex since before Cameron died."

"Well when was your last period?" She continues with the interrogation.

I think for a minute. I've honestly been so caught up in my grief everything has just been a blur... when am I due for my period? I think to myself.

"Look, just drop it alright? That's just crazy."

...

I stopped at the pharmacy on the way home and got a pregnancy test. Since my chat with Dove I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Its probably crazy but I'm just being cautious. No harm in that, is there?

I pee on the stick and put the cap on the end.

"Okay, three minutes." I say to myself as I place the test on the bathroom sink.

Just three minutes.

************
A/N: hi readers, how are you liking the story so far?

Cameron's passing has really made me think about life and what's really important to me. Cam was the same age as me so it's been difficult for me to process. This story is my way of staying connected to him and focused on what his life taught me.

We all miss him. I would really like to urge you again to donate to the Cameron Boyce Foundation if you have the means. Lets keep him alive together.

- Tay x