Working Through the Rest

Less Than The World

I struggle to fall asleep that night, and after hours of trying with very few results, I give up, lying back and staring up at the top of the bed. It's dark, and no one else is awake. No one else ever is. So I'm alone with my thoughts again, something that really can't be good for me. However, as I can't sleep, I haven't really got a lot of choice in the matter.

My thoughts end up drifting to earlier, to Scorpius and Rose. And how I felt about it. I still haven't been able to put a finger on what was going through my head, but I have a very strong sense of what it isn't.

It isn't jealousy of Scorpius because he likes someone. I am pretty sure of myself in the knowledge that I do not want a girlfriend. I'm incredibly grateful that I haven't started having crushes. Partly because I have no idea who I'd even have a crush on. Mainly because the idea generally terrifies me. So, it isn't jealousy.

It also isn't the fear that Scorpius would spend less time with me, because from the moment Scorpius told me what he was going to do, I knew she'd say no. I knew there was no chance of losing Scorpius. Because there was no chance of Rose taking him up on his request.

And even if there was, I might have considered asking her to at least make sure he has some time with me. Because I cannot face losing him.

Other than that, I really don't know what this is, but it is more. It can't just be a fear of spending less time with Scorpius that is making me feel this utterly awful.

Shit.

Oh shit.

Oh fuck me, this is bad.

I have a crush on Scorpius Malfoy. I have fallen in love with Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy.

And he has a crush on my cousin.

Maybe it would have been better if I had just thought about the things that I normally think about, even if it would have meant that I'd just end up thinking about the likelihood that I'll die and it won't actually matter.

It's a stupid fear, and one that shouldn't exist. That's the reason no one else actually knows about it. But my mind keeps taking me back to Godric's Hollow, back to the maze. Back to the times when I really thought we were going to die. And even though it would have made an impact in someone's life, it would have ultimately been justified. Two lives for an infinite number shouldn't have been a difficult choice. And it wasn't.

It was just hard knowing that I had to keep to it.

I should amend the label I put on my fear. I'm not scared that I'll die and it won't matter. I'm scared that I'll die and it will have been the right choice. I don't want to die.

Before, I didn't even consider the possibility that I'd be caught up in anything. Despite every disagreement with dad, I was fairly sure that, if anything did ever happen, he would make sure that we weren't involved. And she got past all of us.

I don't know whether I feel safe anymore. Something happened before. Something might happen again and we might not get lucky. One thing I do know, however, is that Scorpius will make it out alive. I will make sure of that.

I suppose the question really is about how I feel about liking Scorpius. Or how I feel in realising that I might be gay.

Unless I'm not and my head is just going off on one. Unless we are just friends and this is coming from a fear of losing him.

I close my eyes. I really just need to go to sleep and think about this whole mess another time.

Being gay isn't a bad thing. And even if it was, I'm not gay. I'm just close friends with someone. I just want to stay close friends with him.

Yeah.

I'm not gay.

Probably.