Working Through the Rest

No Longer Content

I don't see dad much for the rest of the holidays. I avoid him when he is at home, but most of the time he's still out searching for Delphi. Which is why he doesn't come to wave us off when the train leaves for school.

Mum hugs me goodbye, murmuring that it's going to be okay, and I just cling on tightly. I don't want to let go. I don't want to let go and know that I'm throwing myself back to the wolves.

But I do. I do and I find Scorpius, sitting alone like he always is. When he notes my quietness and asks if I'm okay, I am reminded, almost immediately, of how much I don't deserve him.

I shrug it off, saying I'm tired. And while I know he doesn't buy that, he doesn't press it. I imagine that he 'put two and two together' when he saw that dad wasn't here, and assumed that I am upset about his lack of appearance. I haven't told him about the argument. He doesn't even know there was one.

The train journey is quiet; I try and read for a while, but I don't know who I'm fooling. At one point, Scorpius asks me if I'll be okay if he goes to find some food – the Trolley Witch ignored us again. I nod, not able to bring myself to look up.

What is wrong with me? Why am I so cut up about this? I was fine when it happened. I was fine when mum came up to give me comfort that I didn't need then. I need it now. Because, for some reason or other, stuff is starting to catch up with me now.

Only now, when I really need to concentrate on school and carry on with my life, everything is flaring up again. I need to move my thoughts away from it. I need to keep calm. I don't have to see him until Easter. By then, things might have actually calmed down. I might be able to wonder around and be proud of who I am. It's unlikely, however.

*

When we get to school, I manage to make small talk through dinner, and then I excuse myself to go to bed. Scorpius very much knows that something is wrong, and he comes into the dormitory as I'm tossing and turning and trying to fall asleep. I don't respond as he sits down on my bed, but I reach for his hand. This probably isn't awkward for him. And I – I need it. At this point I need it so badly that I wouldn't care if he worked it out.

He takes my hand, squeezing it gently, and I try not to cry. What did I ever do to deserve his warmth and kindness and radiance?
"Thank you," I whisper.
"Did something happen, Albus?" Scorpius murmurs, looking worriedly at me.
"I'll be okay," I lie, forcing a smile. "It's not anything massive."
"Are you sure? You haven't been this quiet since – for a long time."
"I'm okay," I nod. "How were your holidays? I didn't ask."
"Quiet," Scorpius shrugs. "We did a lot of baking on Christmas Day."
"You and your dad bake?"
"We used to do it with mum. And, after – well, after...that, we didn't want to do what we always did on Christmas. But we didn't want to just pretend...so, we bake, or we try. Just – to...to..."
"To remember," I smile softly.
"Yeah," Scorpius nods, sighing. "Yeah."
"She'd be proud of you," I say quietly, sitting up slightly. "I don't say it enough, but she'd be so proud of everything you've done."
"I hope so," Scorpius nods. "Sometimes, sometimes I think she might be upset at the things I've stopped doing. I just – I can't bring myself to do them again."
"She wouldn't be," I say. "She would understand. It's your decision and it isn't like you just – stopped. She loved you. She would be proud of you, no matter what."
Scorpius smiles to himself. "Sometimes I think she'd have helped me hide a dead body if I'd asked her to."
"Knowing the older traditions," I smile, "it probably wouldn't have been the first time."
"Are you suggesting I would kill someone?"
"Unfortunate circumstances."

Scorpius laughs and I watch his smiles. I think is smile is one of the many reasons that he qualifies as a literal angel. That, and his unimaginable kindness.