Working Through the Rest

To The People Who Care

When the train pulls into the station, I'm a little reluctant to get up. The confidence that I have been riding on is fading fast, and I have to face this. I know my family are all here with me. I know they will be right behind me if I need them to be. I know I'm safe.

So why am I so bloody terrified?

I shake myself, holding my trunk with one hand and Scorpius' hand with the other. He interlocks our fingers, rubbing my knuckles reassuringly. He's smiling at me, smiling in a way that could outshine the sun, and I nod. It's a promise. A promise that it's all going to be entirely okay.

I let go of his hand as we land on the platform. Lily and James run to mum and dad, like they always do, but I hang back. I follow Scorpius to where Draco is stood, waiting patiently, and I smile as Scorpius almost throws himself into his dad's embrace. Draco practically lifts Scorpius off his feet and I smile wider. They're finding peace.

I wish that I could say that I'm not fighting with a pang of jealously in my chest, but I am. I want to sort things in my life properly, but I don't want to cave. I am done with putting my own health on the line to get something that won't be worth anything if I'm not healthy. I am not going to cave and let him ignore a part of me to have a half-decent parent-child relationship.

Scorpius doesn't have to, and I am immensely grateful for that. I would never wish it upon him. But that doesn't mean I'm not jealous. Just slightly jealous.

I bite my lip, forcing air into my lungs, and Scorpius turns back to me, smiling softly. I try to smile back. Everything is going to be fine.
"Albus. How are you?"
"I – I'm good," I stammer slightly. "Yeah, I'm good. Uh – you?"
"I'm well," Draco smiles fondly. "I'm glad you're reasonably okay."

I nod, swallowing nervously as I glance over my shoulder again. I don't see mum or dad in the sea of people and some of the tension lifts immediately. I've got time. I've got some time.
"Have a good Easter," I murmur, looking back at them. "Hope it's fun and – everything."
"Albus."

I expect the word to have come from Scorpius – a reassurance that it will all be fine, a promise that he'll write, but it isn't. The word comes from Draco, who is watching me with a worried expression. I look at the ground.
"Albus?"
"Yes?" I mumble. "Sir?"
"Albus, please call me Draco," he smiles.
"Sorry."
"Albus, look, I know you're nervous about going home. I want you to know that, if you need it, you are welcome at the Manor. Day or night. For whatever reason. You are welcome."

I take a moment to process his words and then I try to breathe properly. I try not to let tears spill down my cheeks. Scorpius takes my hand gently and I bite my lip.
"You – you're serious?"
"Very," Draco nods. "Whatever time of day, if you feel you need to, our doors are open."
"Thank you," I try not to cry. "Thank you so much."

Draco places a hand on my shoulder and I break, tears flooding down my cheeks. Scorpius smiles softly, wrapping me in a hug, and I take a deep breath, attempting to collect myself.
"Thank you," I whisper again.

We stay like this until I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to see Lily stood behind. She smiles, almost apologetically, at me, and I nod. I need to start this somehow.
"Have a good holiday," I say again, nodding another thank you to Draco.
"We will," he says, "and I hope you do too."

I nod again, mumbling a goodbye, and then I pick up my trunk and turn away. Lily leads me a little way, and then she stops. She turns to me and wipes the tears from my cheeks using her sleeve. I take a shaky breath and attempt a smile.
"You've got this," she says. "And we're here."
"Yeah," I nod. "Yeah. Let's do this."

We walk across the now-emptying platform, and mum smiles as she sees me approaching. I try to smile back and I'm grateful for the hug she envelopes me in when I reach her. I didn't see her much after January, and I wish I had. I wish that seeing her wasn't something I avoided to avoid dad.
"How are you doing?" she asks softly.
"All right," I smile again. "Yeah. I've been sleeping."
"I'm very glad," she smiles back, pulling me into a second hug.
"Was dad – was dad angry?" I mutter, cursing myself for sounding scared.

I'm not scared. I'm not scared of him. I'm angry. I'm angry that he refuses to try and continue seeing me. I'm angry that he can't cope with change. I'm angry that I feel pressured to choose between the person I care most about and one of the people I want to care about.

This is fucked up.

"He was," mum nods. "I'm sorry, Al. I keep trying to talk to him – but he won't listen."
"It's fine," I lie. "Thanks – thanks for trying."
She smiles softly. "Come on. Something might happen in the next couple of weeks."

I bite my lip, nodding and tightening my grip on my trunk. Two weeks. Two weeks around people that love me, that I love. Two weeks knowing that, if I need it, I have a way out.

I'll be okay.