Working Through the Rest

No One Can Decide

From where we end up sitting, we can see the gates of the manor. We talk for a bit, and then I break off halfway through a sentence as I see two figures appear outside the gate. Mum. Mum and Harry Potter. Shit. Oh shit.

I stand up sharply, stumbling as I run back towards the trees. Scorpius follows me, catching up as I sink down on the bed of moss, unable to keep my breathing calm. He's found me. He's found me and that means I have to see him, talk to him. After yesterday, after last night, I have to talk to him.

Except I can't breathe properly. And breaths that I manage to draw don't seem to bring oxygen into my lungs, and it's easier to – well, not. I can't do this. I cannot fucking do this.
"Albus?"
"I can't see him," I shake my head. "I – no – I can't...not now. Please...please..."
"You don't have to," Scorpius says softly. "Albus, just – Albus, look at me, okay? Focus on me."
"Scor..."
"What can you hear?"
"You. Birds. Wind. I...nothing else."
"Okay, good. Can you see anything?"
"You. Trees. Trees and hills. Lots of hills."

Quiet.

"I can't see – not him."
"That's okay. You don't have to see him."
"He'll make me. He won't care."
"This isn't his home. If you don't want to see him, he can't force you."
"He will."
"He won't. I promise. I won't let him and neither will my dad."
"You're sure?"
"I promise."

I nod, leaning into Scorpius as the tears continues to flood down my cheeks. He wraps his arms around me and I hold on tightly. I need to believe him, believe that I don't have to do this, that I will do it on my own terms. Not his.

Because I should talk to him. I have things I need to say to him, and I don't know if I'll ever get this chance again. A chance to say exactly what I need to say, in a space where I know I don't have to cope with his reactions. Maybe I'm a coward. Maybe I'm being sensible. I don't care.

I need to talk, even if it's just a rant. Even if I just get angry and we end up screaming again. I need to tell him the shit building in my mind. He should know. He's my parent. Even if he doesn't act like it. Even if he doesn't care. He doesn't care.
"I should talk to him," I mutter. "If he isn't going to start fixing this mess again, I should."
"He'll listen."
"I don't care if he does anymore. If I try and he turns it down? Well, we now where his priorities are. And all the crap I keep thinking about 'instinctual love' is bullshit."

Scorpius nods and I force air into my lungs. I can do this. I glance back at the gate, and then at where mum and Harry Potter are. They're nearly at the door, which is already open. He looks furious and I almost laugh. He's so incredibly furious, and yet he still assumes his 'right' to talk to me will come first.

Even when I'm not a child anymore, when he all but drove me out. In his head, this is still me being a stupid child. Because that's all I've ever been. A stupid, pathetic child.

I stand up sharply, digging my nails into my palms. I'm done. I'm done with silence. I'm safe here. I could speak. It would be okay.
"Would you come with me?" I hear my voice crack.
"Of course," Scorpius nods. "You're sure about this?"
"Yeah," I nod. "But just – I need to talk on my terms."

Scorpius nods, and we start to walk back towards, the house. I feel more and more sick as we draw closer, but I know I have to do this – I'm not going to get this opportunity again. I need to take it.

As we get inside, Draco comes out of a side room and looks at us. Scorpius explains that we saw them arrive and Draco explains that Harry is demanding to see me.
"I'll talk to him," I mumble.
"Okay," Draco nods. "Albus, if you need to leave, at any point, then leave. This is not their home and they do not have my permission to be in the rest of the house."
"Thank you," I swallow. "So much."

I take Scorpius' hand and look at the door. It's going to be okay. I have to promise myself that. One more conversation.