Working Through the Rest

Accepting Bright Colours

The book the Thomas lent me is one of the most interesting things I have read in a long time. I cannot imagine how much research it took to compile the sheer amount of information contained within its pages.

I try and read as much as I can when I'm alone, and I'm done within a few days. I tell Scorpius that I'm going to the library to find a book, and then I almost run to where Thomas normally sits in the Great Hall. Mercifully, he's there, and he looks up.
"Albus," he smiles. "Did it help?"
"I don't know," I mumble.
"Sit down."

I do.

"Okay. Just try and talk through what's in your head. I'll listen and try to help."

I look around the hall, slightly nervous. It's pretty quiet and, if I talk quietly, no one is going to hear when I admit the truth. Because I have to. I can't bottle it up. I just need to get it out and then I can work out what to do next.
"I..." I start slowly. "I have a crush on Scorpius. I think – I think I'm gay."
"Okay," Thomas nods. "Okay. Are you all right with that?"
"I don't know," I admit. "I don't...I don't know whether anyone will be okay with it. I don't know whether anyone will be okay with it. I don't know whether I actually am or–"
"Albus," Thomas interrupts firmly. "Albus, from what I know about what – happened, once you've ignored all the blatantly false rumours, it appears that you went to the end of the earth for Scorpius. If you think you love him, you probably do."
"Is that okay?"
"Yes. It's absolutely fine."
"I don't know anyone else–"
"There's quite a few of us," Thomas smiles. "We're just not out to most people."
"You're gay?"
"I'm pan," Thomas corrects me. "I 'like' all genders. But we're all part of the LGBTQIA+ community."

I nod, trying to store all the information in my head, while also just understanding the most basic part about it. I'm gay. And it's okay. It's actually okay.

I think my main fear really came down to the fact that I thought I was the only one, and that made it wrong, unnatural. But there are people at school, and if the book that Thomas lent me even exists, it means that enough people exist to warrant the book's existence.

Not to mention that there is a name of a community. An accepting community. People who probably won't turn me away because they don't know who I am. Not necessarily.
"Do other people need to – know?"
"Do you want them to?"
"No."
"Then you don't tell them. Not until you're ready."
"And if I'm never ready?"
"That's fine."
"Okay," I nod. "Okay. Thank you, Thomas."
"Call me Tom," he says gently. "I've got to go. You going to be okay?"
"Yeah," I nod. "Yeah. Thanks for your help."
"No problem."

*

I don't tell Scorpius. Shit me, I don't tell anyone. And I think that my reasons are justified. The rest of the world doesn't know because I am not prepared to add another layer to the current bullying. Because it hasn't stopped. It's little words, here and there. Things that shouldn't matter, but they keep eating away, ripping little chunks off me like some fucked-up monster.

And telling Scorpius isn't an option. Telling my best friend that his best friend is gay and worked it out because of a crush on him would freak him out beyond belief. I am not going to do that. He can't cope with it and, in all honesty, neither can I.

I would rather he never know and we just remain close friends forever rather than alienate myself by admitting he is the most amazing person I have ever been lucky enough to have in my life.

How the hell did I not work this out sooner?