Working Through the Rest

New Places

A couple of days later, I wake up in the middle of the night. I'm about to roll over and go back to sleep when I spot Scorpius sat up in bed, wand between his teeth, reading something intently. I sit up, stretching a couple of times as I stand up. He looks up as I sit down on the edge of his bed, casting a Muffliato charm.
"You okay?" I murmur.
"Couldn't get back to sleep," Scorpius shrugs. "I thought I'd read some of Nat's cards."
"Are they helpful?"
"Yes," Scorpius nods. "There's so much information about something that you assume is small. It's a bit overwhelming."
"I'm glad it's helping," I smile. "Do you mind if I sit here for a bit?"
"Don't you need to sleep?" Scorpius frowns.
"I haven't been sleeping brilliantly as of late, and I can function pretty effectively without too much sleep. I'll be fine."
"Have you been having nightmares?"
"Yeah," I nod. "I didn't have one tonight, don't worry."
"I'll worry," Scorpius looks at me, his expression steely. "You're having nightmares. I'm allowed to worry even if they're not nightly."
"I'm okay," I smile. "I promise. I'm okay."

I am such a fucking hypocrite. I constantly ask him if he's okay, encourage him to talk, and then I lie to him. I'm not okay. I can't remember that last time I was okay. But I keep acting like I am for a reason that I can't even justify to myself. He deserves to know. It's not that I don't trust him or that I don't want him to know.

But I don't know what is keeping me silent.

"Albus?"
"I'm sorry," I start to feel tears rolling down my cheeks. "I'm so sorry."
"Okay," Scorpius says quickly, moving to sit next to me. "Okay, what's going on? Albus."
"I keep lying," I try not to cry too loudly. "I keep saying I'm okay and my head feels like it's going to burst open because I can't get rid of anything and–"
"Shhh," Scorpius wraps his arms around me gently. "Take a breath. I'm here."

I nod, taking a breath and attempting to collect my thoughts. Talking will help. Talking is good.
"I'm so scared that I'll wake up and you'll be gone because I couldn't keep my promises and you got hurt because of it."
"Your promises?"
"I promised you that I'd keep you safe," I'm sobbing now. "That they wouldn't hurt you."
"Albus, we both knew it was impossible promise," Scorpius murmurs. "It's okay."
"I wish I'd died," I croak. "I wish they'd killed me so that they wouldn't have been able to hurt you."
"No," Scorpius is suddenly firm. "Albus, don't ever wish that. Never. Please."
"You would have–"
"I would rather have the nightmares and the fear and the rest of this mess of feelings," Scorpius says quietly. "I would rather have that, than have lost someone I love."
"Someone you love?" I look up. "You – you love me."
"We don't have to talk about that now."
"Can we? Please. I need to – distract – myself. Please."
"Okay," Scorpius nods. "Okay."

He picks up the cards and pulls out four of five, laying them out on the bed. I pull out my wand, lighting it so that the gentle light joins Scorpius'.
"I think," he says quietly, "that I am asexual and aromantic, which is basically where someone doesn't experience romantic or sexual attractions. I know that I shouldn't jump to conclusions or anything and it explains why I feel like this. Like I am in love but–"
"It's okay," I interrupt. "If you think it's true, then I believe you. You don't have to justify yourself to me."
"Thank you," Scorpius smiles. "These other cards, they're about this thing called queerplatonic attraction. Which is, well I'm not sure how to describe it, but it feels, this whole thing, feels right."
"Okay," I nod. "Are you okay with it?"
"Yes," Scorpius nods. "Yes, and – I was wondering – maybe...if you were okay with it – would you be okay with – maybe..."
"Breathe."
"Basically, there's this thing called...it's called a queerplatonic partner. It's like...I guess it's a relationship...but not romantic. With queerplatonic attraction."
"Okay," I nod.
"Would you be my queerplatonic partner?" he mumbles, looking down at his hands. "I mean, if you don't want to, that's fine and I understand, I just – I thought I..."
"Of course," I smile, taking his hands. "Of course I will be."
"You will be?" Scorpius looks at me hopefully. "You'll be my QPP I mean, you can call me your boyfriend if you want–"
"Shhh," I murmur, smiling. "I'll be your QPP. Because I love you."

Scorpius smiles back at me nervously, and I wrap my arms around him, pulling him into a hug, and he kisses my cheek. I smile, and then he pulls away ever so slightly.
"Scorp?"
"Can I kiss you?" he whispers. "Just – small. Or something."
"You lead."

He nods slowly, and then leans towards me, connecting our lips softly. It's not deep, not passionate, not intense. But it's him. It's the boy I love. Kissing me. He's kissed me.

I smile again as we pull apart, looking him in the eye softly.

"Stay with me?" he whispers.
"What?"
"It's late," Scorpius glances around. "We should sleep. Stay here?"

I nod and Scorpius places Nat's cards on the floor beside the bed. Once he's settled under the duvet, I lie down next to him, pulling the hangings shut and wrapping my arms around him.

And that's how we fall asleep.