Working Through the Rest

Behind The Monster

The Common Room is reasonably empty when we get back, but I don't sit down with Scorpius by the fireplace. I just keep walking around, getting continuously more and more agitated. I should never have agreed to this. I should have just told dad, point blank, that it would do this to me. Because of course he wouldn't notice unless I spelt it out in front of him.
"Fuck," I mutter. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."
"Albus," Scorpius turns around. "Albus, just slow down."

He gets up and starts to walk towards me. I don't stop pacing. I know if I do, I'll end up punching a hole in the wall.
"What the hell," I mutter. "What the hell, Scorpius."
"Albus–"
"You could have warned me that you were going to ask that!" I find myself screaming. "How were you not terrified?"
"I was scared of something else," Scorpius says quietly.
"Why the fuck did I even agree to this?"
"It was a good thing," Scorpius murmurs. "Albus, just–"
"How the fuck?" I stop walking. "How the fuck are you suddenly so fucking fearless? After every fucking thing–"
"I'm not. I have something that scares me more."

I should care about what that is, but I am so fucking scared and angry and I don't know what's going on in my head. And Scorpius seem to be calm for some reason.
"What is worse than her?" I stare at him. "She...you don't really have a question about whether or not she's a monster?"
"I don't know," Scorpius admits. "I keep trying to work it out. But I can't and it keeps getting inside my head."
"You could have said," I hear my voice crack. "You could have warned us. I–"
"I was terrified out of my mind. I was scared too."
"Then why the fuck did you ask that?"

I'm screaming again. I can't see properly, tears blurring my vision as I sink to the floor, trying to resist the need to tear my hair out. I hate her. I hate her so damn much that it scares me because, right now, I wish I had killed her. I wish that she was dead so that this could just be over. But of course it wouldn't be. I scream again.
"Shut up!" Scorpius says sharply. "Albus just...be quiet."

I do, looking at him, blinking back tears until I can see properly again. He's stood by the chair silently, staring forward blankly.
"Why?"
"Because I have a hundred things screaming in my head and I don't know how to make it stop."

Silence.

"I know that you hear me screaming, inside your head," he continues quietly. "And I don't know if you ever found out, but I hear screaming too and it never fucking stops."

More silence.

"I hear her screaming. And every time I do, I spend a million years trying to make up my mind about her. Because I don't know if she's a monster or not and it's driving me insane every time I think about it!"

He shouts the last bit, his voice cracking, and I flinch. I look at him, a tear rolling down my cheek. I need to help him. So I stand up and walk towards him slowly. I'm starting to calm down a little. I'm not shaking anymore. But he is.
"Scorpius," I try to keep vaguely calm.
"You don't understand!" he screams, sinking to the floor. "You don't ever understand!"
"I know," I crouch beside him, taking his hand gently. "Will you help me understand?"

He looks at me and I sit beside him, not letting go of his hand. He takes a slow breath and swallows nervously.
"She isn't a monster because she just wanted to have a family who cared about her and she was desperate to the point where she was willing to go to those – lengths. And I understand that. If someone gave me the chance to get my mum back, I...I wouldn't hurt people. But other people would. And I...I can understand. She isn't a monster."

Silence.

"But she is a monster. Because she hurt us. She made you think that she cared. She hurt me. And I keep hearing her screams."
"Her screams?"
"When you climbed through that grate," Scorpius' voice shakes violently, "I knew I couldn't stop you. If your mum couldn't, then you wouldn't have listened to me. But I wanted to stop you. And then you were gone and you were fighting and I just kept thinking. And I just...every time she screamed a curse I...I didn't know whether...when, if, we got those doors open...I didn't know whether I was going to see you...see you or your – your body. And I...I couldn't..."

I pull him into a tight hug, not caring as my robes begin to soak through with both of our tears. He holds on desperately, shaking. I pull him closer, feeling him curl up beside me.
"I don't want to lose you," he whispers.
"You won't," I promise. "You won't ever lose me."
"Please..."
"I promise," I murmur. "And I'm sorry for shouting. Earlier. I should have tried to calm myself down. I'm sorry."
"Sorry I yelled back."
"Don't apologise for that," I say softly. "Don't ever apologise for being the better person."
"I'm not–"
"Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy," I look him in the eye, smiling, "because you seem quite reluctant to accept your achievements, I am going to list some of the ones most important to me. And you are going to admit that you are smart and brave and kind." And damn beautiful.
"Albus..."
"You told me that I was as much to thank as you when you beat the dementors," I start quietly. "I call bullshit. That was you. Whatever helped you was still you. You saved the entire world."
"I had help..."
"And you kept going after you lost the help that you found."

Scorpius shrugs and I raise my eyebrows in mock disappointment. He cracks a smile at that, starting to nod.
"And that is just the beginning," I continue. "Scorpius, you didn't have to come with me when I jumped off the train. But you did. And that is probably the only reason I'm still alive. She – she would have killed me pretty quickly. You saved me."
"Did I save you from a monster? Or...I don't know anymore."
"Are you questioning it because you pity her?"
"I don't know."
"You can pity a monster," I say quietly. "I hate her. Sometimes I wish we'd killed her. But I still pity her."
"I just...I wish it was black and white. It would be so much easier."
"Whatever you decide, if you decided, if you don't, I'll support that. I'll support you."

He nods, smiling gratefully at me. Suddenly I feel a fairly overwhelming sense of self-loathing wash over my mind. I yelled at him. Because I lost my temper and took it out on him. Despite how I think I might feel.

I still don't understand that. I still don't understand why I feel this way about him. Because I don't really know what liking someone is supposed to feel like.

Maybe this is it. Maybe it isn't.

I don't want to jump to conclusions.