Working Through the Rest

Is It Power Or Insecurity?

After I've let Scorpius know where I'm going, dad and I walk out into the grounds. It's beyond freezing but that means it's quiet and the school won't see the shouting match that's
about to ensue. It's only a waiting game. I'm ready to snap. It'll be my fault this time, but I couldn't care less.
"So," dad starts quietly, "how are you feeling?"
"Surprisingly good," I mutter sarcastically. "I think I'm getting quite practiced at this whole torture malarkey. What about you?"
"I wanted to apologise for the argument we had," dad says. "I realised that I became aggressive quite quickly. That isn't right. I'm sorry."

It's an odd apology, not least because he spent much of the search ranting about it angrily, according to Draco. But he is trying. I should give him that. He deserves a chance.
"Sorry for setting off so quickly," I mumble.

I don't know whether I mean it or not, but if he's managed to get his head around my identity, I am going to say it. He's apologised. Which was all I really wanted.
"So," I stare at the floor, "if I – if I told Scorpius and he – he liked me too, you'd be okay with us dating?"

In the moment that dad stops short, his mouth twitching, and my hope smashes on the flagstones. Of course he's not okay with it. Why would I let myself think that when every sign still points in the opposite direction.
"You're still young, Albus," he starts slowly.
"No," I say sharply. "No, fuck this. I am not getting into argument after argument about whether my identity is valid."
"Listen to both sides–"
"I have," I snap. "I listened to every doubt under the sun, for Merlin knows how long. And then I found enough to convince myself that I'm valid. Because I am."
"Albus," dad walks after me as I quicken my pace.
"Of course you haven't changed your mind," I roll my eyes. "Last time, it took you months to apologise when you knew you were wrong. Why would you apologise a matter of weeks after when you're so bloody convinced that you're right."
"I am sorry–"
"You are apologising because I nearly died again and you don't want to go out on a low," I snap. "Come on, dad. I'm not stupid. I see through your shit. Because it's literally made of glass."

He doesn't reply to that and we continue in silence for a few minutes, but I'm not done. Anger is now starting to bubble in my chest and I need to get rid of it. I don't care if we end up in a shouting match. He's being a dick and I want this discussion to happen.
"When you found Delphi," I say quietly, "did you exploit her and manipulate her to prevent her from being happy because of her previous crimes, or because she was in love with a woman?"
"Excuse me?"
"Draco told me what happened," I kick a lone pebble, watching it skit over the path. "He told me that you asked for information, that you took her deal, and then you went back on it."
"Albus, I cannot go against the International Statute of Secrecy–"
"Then you don't take the deal," I snap. "You outright refuse. You cannot manipulate someone like that."
"I didn't do it because she was in love with a–"
"That doesn't make it right," I stop walking. "Emotional blackmail and manipulation, dad? That's what she did to us!"
"Albus..."
"Because of what you did, she escaped again. Because of that, she got caught and then we got kidnapped. You could have broken their plan by being a decent person, but you didn't and because of that, my best friend – oh fuck that – the boy that I love, is lying in the Hospital Wing with injuries that I blame myself for."
"I needed that information," dad says angrily. "This was the only I was going to get it from her. I'm sorry if you think it caused this, but is the way things happens and there isn't a lot I can do."
"No," I say. "No, that's not why this happened. This happened because you have a ridiculous power complex that insists that you should always be on top. It's fucking ridiculous."
"Excuse me?"

I roll my eyes, turning to walk away. It's starting to get very dark and I've been away from Scorpius for too long. He calls my name. I ignore him. It doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't fucking matter.

*

When I get back to the Hospital Wing, Scorpius is sat reading another book on potions and I can't help but smile. Despite everything, they are never going to stop him from attempting to continue studying. I don't know how he does it, to be honest.

I sit back on the chair I was in earlier and he looks up, smiling back at me.

"How are you feeling?" I ask quietly.
"Tired," Scorpius shrugs, "but I don't want to sleep. Are you okay? What did you dad want?"
"Other than to be a prick?" I mutter. "Not a lot."
"Oh, are you okay?"
"I'm used to it," I shrug.

It's not true. It's not possible to be used to it. It's just possible to let it bounce and delay the inevitable pain for a period of time until I can scream into a pillow. That helps most of the time. And when it doesn't, nothing will. Not even Scorpius.

I look up at Madam Pomfrey walks out of her office. She goes over to another student first, and then she comes towards us.
"I'm afraid visiting hours are now over," she says quietly.
"Can he stay?" Scorpius asks quietly before I can get a word in. "Please, Madam Pomfrey."
"Where do you intend to go if you leave?"
"I don't know," I admit. "Not back to the dormitory."
"Right. Then it is probably safer for you to remain here."
"Thank you," I mumble.
"I bought a sleeping draught," she says. "Do you need one too?"
"It's probably safer if I have one," I nod. "Thank you."

She gives Scorpius his and then goes back to get another. I pull off my jumper and hang it over the headboard of the bed next to Scorpius', before sitting down. I smile at him again and he smiles back, closing his book.
"Sleeping through the night," I murmur. "That's a new one."

Scorpius lets out a small laugh as Madam Pomfrey returns with the Sleeping Draught. I take it gratefully, thanking her, and she smiles gently.
"Scorpius," she turns to him, "if nothing gets worse overnight, you'll be free to go tomorrow morning."
Scorpius lets out a small breath of relief. "Thank you."

When she's gone, I take a deep breath and look at Scorpius. He nods encouragingly and I bring the potion to my lips, downing it and lying back.

Sleep, for once, is painless.