A Lunatic's Lament

14

I stayed on the ground crying for a long time. I was in emotional turmoil; the kind that paralyzes your entire body. I felt like I couldn't move, even if I wanted to, which I didn't. It hurt, it really, really hurt. I wish I could say that after everything I was numb to it, but I felt every little thing. The worse it got, the worse I got. It was a never-ending anguish.

Everything I thought I knew in this place turned out to be a lie. The rug got pulled out from underneath me when I least suspected it. My only source of comfort was now my enemy. He had brought me back here even though I so desperately begged to be let go. The Vic I thought I knew would have helped me escape. I thought he was my ally. I thought we were going to get out of here together. Oh how wrong I was.

I couldn't believe I never caught on to his deceit. I had no idea why he would do this to me. I don't know why he would want to hurt me like this and betray my trust. He tricked me and I fell for it all. I felt like a fool. It felt like my heart got clawed out of my chest and set on fire. It felt like nothing would ever be okay anymore. Emotions don't work the same in here as they do in the outside world. You don't need someone as much in the outside world. Everything is magnified tenfold in here. In the real world you're never forced into a situation where your only means of survival is to cling onto one emotion; love.

I wouldn't go as far to say that I loved Vic, but my feelings towards him were intense. Were. Not anymore. Not like that. Now I hated him with every fibre of my being. On the outside world if you were betrayed by someone, sure, you'd be upset, but you would move on with life. In here it's like my life had stopped. It was suspended in time. In here my life only consisted of myself, Vic and Rick. Vic was the only positive, so that betrayal ruined me to no extent. In here it's like the end of the world. In here nothing is okay.

I slowly pushed my weak body up from the ground but didn't stand up. I looked at the door with tears still messily streaming down my cheeks. There was no doubt I looked awful. I was covered in dirt, sweat and a small amount of blood on my hands and feet. I didn't care about the state I was in though. I was too upset to care. I was more preoccupied with asking myself over and over again what I had done to deserve this.

"How could you do this to me?" I choked out. A sob escaped my throat as I spoke again, "H-how? Why?"

He probably couldn't hear me but I needed to say it. I needed to let it all out. I wasn't even angry right now, I was upset.

"I trusted you! You raped me!" I was surprised by the pain in my voice as I drowned in another fit of sobs.

He forced me to have sex with him numerous times. All those times when I sought comfort in the fact that we were going through it together was meaningless now that I knew the truth. He was doing that to me on purpose. He did that to me on purpose and let me think it wasn't his fault. He was sick. I leant against the wall, bringing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.

I rested my head on them and continued bawling. I silently begged and pleaded for that numb feeling to take over my body because I couldn't handle this anymore. Finally though, that feeling did come. I cried until I couldn't possibly cry anymore, and after hours and hours of wallowing in self-pity, I felt numb I stared at the wall in front of me and tried to think about anything else. I thought about the color of this particular wall and how I didn't like it. It was an ugly color. It was made of brick and was dark brown. It reminded me of the color off a coffee table my mother once owned when I was nine. I remember scratching the varnish off for no reason at all and getting grounded for a month. It was perhaps a bit harsh of a punishment, but right now I longed to be that nine year old boy again whose only problem was being grounded.